Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Tards Prayer

(scary video via Throw Away Your TV)

This ‘Tard is my Shepherd; He’s all that I want.

Even though He lieth to me about Iraq’s green pastures:

And leadeth me around like a fucking show-dog.

He reduceth my taxes:

He telleth me the Dirty Fucking Hippies are really to blame, for His legacy’s sake.

Yea, though I watch the Valley of the Shadow of Death on my kickass plasma teevee

I will fear no evil, for, uh, I’m not ,uh, actually in the, y’know, Army;

Thy Fox and thy Rush, they comfort me.

Thou preparest another round of lies about the presence of mine enemies,

Though we both know this ain’t about nuthin but oil.

My dumb runneth over.

But I’m pretty sure scary brown people have been plotting against me all the days of my life,

So I will dwell in the Party of Dubya forever.



Yasonyacky said...

God, I feel sorry for those kids. Being used like that. Being manipulated like that. They're not quite at the stage where they can unceremoniously reject beliefs and/or orders that their elders (who should REALLY know better) shove down their throats at a week/month/whole summer of church camp.

I got lucky - my dad was a travelling evangelist, so I got so overexposed to this stuff so early on that it was easy for me to reject it fairly early. I had already had the standard crisis of faith in a loving, vengeful god ("If god is all knowing, and all-loving, then why would anyone go to hell?") by the time I was ten or so. But a lot of these kids are exposed to this ideology intermittently, and not at the same level of intensity as is obvious at this "church" camp. So it's relatively new to them, and they don't know how to deal with an adult telling them "do this or you're not a good Christian and you're going to hell" in any other way than trying to do whatever said adult tells them to do.

I feel sorry for the kids, because I've been there. (Of course, this was lo so many ages ago - twenty years - that the fundamentalist project to co-opt politics into the faith (or vice versa) had not yet really taken off. In fact, there was quite an argument within the fundie community regarding the appropriateness of so unabashedly force-fusing spiritual life with (conservative) political life. To be sure, fundies were mostly conservative (at least on the "hot-button" issues like abortion and gay marriage/rights/existence), but politics didn't drive the practice of faith. Now it does, and these adults are doing wrong by these kids.

¡El Gato Negro! said...

Bart: Hey! That's not crusty the clown!


skunqesh said...

All praies to Flat Bush! Flat Bush be praised. He is Flat, but he is Mighty. Mighty is the Flat Bush!! (begin Uulation)

Dude, that is phhuuq'd uP-ah, cubed. They might as well just beat those kids with baseball bats - that would be an act of kindness compared to what they're doing to them now.

Anonymous said...

The soon-to-be-former Kid Charlemagne here. I had to sign up to post on a different Blogger blog, so I chose "Ivory Bill Woodpecker" again, so I'll be IBW on this blog.


Fade said...

Good stuff.

Malacandra said...

The Lord of Flat Bush?

Hey, isn't idolatry like, right up in the grille one of the Big Ten?

arghous said...

5:1 And seeing the multitudes of vetted supporters, he went up unto the stage, and when he was set, his lackeys came unto him.

5:2 And he turned on his back-mounted receiver, and taught them, saying:

5:3 Blessed are the poor in wealth, for they have made us weathly.

5:4 Blessed are they that mourn, for the photo ops they doth provide.

5:5 Blessed are those who wreak, for their inheritance shall be tax-free.

5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after power, for they are full of it.

5:7 Blessed are the torturers, for they shall obtain a torts exemption.

5:8 Blessed are the sure in heart and gut, for they shall see God in the mirror.

5:9 Blessed are the peacebreakers, for they shall suffer the little children unto God.

5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for closeted homosexuality and hypocrisy's sake, for no matter, they shall still rule their flocks like kings.

5:11 Blessed are ye, when the Left shall revile you, and persecute you, and say all manner of truth against you truly, for ye need not listen to the polls or understand what 'mandate' means.

5:12 Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in sheltered foreign accounts: for so persecuted they the robber barons before you, but your loopholes are secure.

5:13 Ye are the salt of the earth: nothing shall grow wherever you have trodden.

5:14 Ye are the Willy Pete of the world. A city that is set in a river valley cannot but be torched.

5:15 Neither do men keep high explosives under lock and key, but so might be used in IEDs, which giveth light unto all who drive over them.

5:16 Let your shock and awe so shine before men, that they see your destructive works, and pray to the Father while they still may.

5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the Constitution, or the Congress. I am come not to destroy, but to completely ignore and invalidate them.

5:18 For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth and the atmosphere pass, one jot or one title shall in no wise pass into law, but be modified by a signing statement.

5:19 Whosever therefore shall break one of these least of mine commandments, or speak against them so, he shall be disappeared and renditioned and waterboareded, but not like unto major organ failure.

5:20 For I say unto you, that except your courage shall exceed that of the pajama medians, ye need never be sore afraid about entering the kingdoms of Arabia.

5:21 Ye have heard that is was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill, and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of judgement.

5:22 But I say unto you, Bushsh*t! That was a quaint treaty. And whosoever shall calleth me, Thou fool, or Thou smirking chimp, or Thou commander codpiece, or whatsoever, shall be in danger of hell fire missles.


US Blues said...

That videotape is evidence of child abuse.

Mentis Fugit said...

It's good to see the first steps being taken to close the suicide-bomber gap.

tanbark said...

Y'all aint right.

At least, they're not a bright little 8 year old girl, with a cattle-prod surgically implanted on her ass, as she's being forced to mouth hateful stuff about Dear Preznit Clusterphuque.


Tanbark said...

Did anyone send those little Jugend clips to Bill O'Reilly?


Anonymous said...

O. M. F. G.

The rumors were true. There is such a scene in Jesus Camp.