Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Commenter KnaveRupe

was kind enough to pen us a fable.

Which will certainly come in very handy if you ever want to explain the Lieberman Effect to the little ones without scaring them or risk them puking into their bednight snacks.

Also you gotta give it up for anyone who both coins a term like "Islamo-Fish-ists” and uses it correctly in a sentence.

The Fable of the Bat
Die Liebermaus

Once upon a time, there was political rancor in the Kingdom of the Birds and Beasts. The Birds had ruled the Kingdom for many years, and peace and prosperity was the norm. But the Beasts hated the Birds and their high-flying ideals, and wanted to rule the land. After a particularly divisive election, the Beasts managed to wrest control of the Kingdom from the Birds (by virtue of a bogus decision made by five Snakes on the Supreme Court), and one of the most Beastly of Beasts, the Chimpanzee, was named the new king.

Many of the Birds were unhappy with the state of affairs in the Kingdom, (the Blackbird caucus even tried to challenge the election!) but they all eventually fell in line and followed the advice of the Ostrich consultants and buried their heads in the sand.

Affairs remained in this state of tension for many months, and the incompetent Chimpanzee sat in his castle flinging poo at the walls and riding his little toy bike. There was little doubt that the Birds would regain control of the Kingdom come the next election – and then disaster struck. The Kingdom was attacked!! And thus the war began.

The Kingdom of the Birds and Beasts went to war against the Fish, who the Chimp-king decided had weapons of mass destruction. He decided that we would fight them in the water, so that we wouldn’t have to fight them on the land. Many of the Birds thought this was a tragically stupid idea, since it is much easier to fight a Fish OUT of water, but again the Ostriches carried the day, and the Birds reluctantly supported the Chimp-King. Those who didn’t were branded Traitors, Fish-lovers, and worst of all, “in league with the Islamo-Fish-ists”.

About this time, one of the birds became the most vocal supporter of the Chimp-King; the tiny Bat. In fact, some Birds questioned whether he was even a Bird at all, since he had fur instead of feathers, and teeth instead of a beak. The Bat, however, always pointed to his wings and insisted that he was a bird. He would flap them, and fly around a little, and the rest of the Birds would shrug and drop the subject.

After a time, support for the War on Tuna began to flag, as the In-Sturgeons (who were supposedly in their last roes) continued to kill and maim the troops of the Kingdom. Opposition to the war began with those Birds who spent all their time sitting on the wires, but it soon spread to Birds everywhere. Even the Hawk, known as the greatest supporter of the Military called for a withdrawal! Eventually all of the Birds were united in their opposition to the Chimp’s war.

Except for the Bat.

The Bat refused to go along with the rest of the Birds. He refused to hold the Chimp accountable for his crimes. While the Swift was being Swift-boated by the Beasts, the Bat was getting smooched by the Chimp. He even appeared on the Beastly network owned by the Fox, criticizing other Birds for daring to question the Chimp!

Finally, some of the Birds had had enough. They decided that even if the Bat was technically a Bird, they didn’t want him around making their job even harder. They remembered how the Bat had sided with the Beasts back when the Leader of the Birds got in trouble for that incident with the Swallow. They remembered how the Bat undermined the Birds when they tried to stage a featherbuster. But most of all, they remembered that Kiss from the Chimp and the support for the war.

So, the Bat got his wings clipped.

And, lo and behold, once his wings were gone, the Bat was revealed to have never been a Bird at all, but a sad little rodent – the lowest of the Beasts. And the former Bat skittered away from the birds in terror and went back to the Beasts and spent the rest of his days living off of their crumbs.

And the Moral of the Story? No matter what Joe Lieberman has said or done or pretended to be in the past, underneath it all he’s always been a rat.



Loveandlight said...

Bats are actually much more closely related to primates than they are to rodents. So the Liebermaus is actually a monkey just like the chimp!

Debra said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.

And funny too.

punaise said...

that's a fine fable, worthy of la Fontaine.

US Blues said...

Great fable. The internets brings forth the inner creativity of many a bird!

Walt said...

Truly a fable for our times ...

Blue Gal said...

That is wonderful!

billy pilgrim said...

The Fox. The Hawk, of course, The Chimp.

and The Swallow.

just friggin perfect. The internet may make us suffer Pam Atlas, but when a gem like this gets unearthed, it's all worthwhile.

justme said...

That is truly fabulous. In-Sturgeons just about lost me a keyboard.

prof fate said...

"[S]ad little rodent" indeed.

And that crack about In-Sturgeons in their last roes -- fabulous.

Now, who do we get for the illustrations?

knaverupe said...

Thanks, everyone.

You don't know how much I appreciate the kind words from the readers of the best-written blog on the Internets.

And thanks, DG, for putting my little story in the spotlight. I am too freakin' honored for words.


Karen McL said...

Ah Knaverupe...providing a little friendly competition for our Driftglass!

Great Fable - Excellent!

Let's just hope it's not "Black Birds Singing in the Dead of Night..." come this November!


leigh said...

Knaverupe, wonderful!

Anonymous said...


andrew said...

" for the War on Tuna began to flag, as the In-Sturgeons (who were supposedly in their last roes)..." kinda reminds me of all the fish puns in Kip Adotta's wonderful(?) song "Wet Dreams", which used to be a staple on Dr. Demento.

Fledermaus said...

That was such an awesome tale that I will forgive your vicious calumny of bats.