Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Chris Matthews is Vewy Qwanky.

And remarkably he manages to get the root cause of his existential bellyache both right and completely backwards.

Matthews has, on many occasions, professed his great and gooey man-love for George W. Bush.

A kind of relentlessly-affected, Joe-Tap-a-keg, regular-guy-with-loins-afire crush on Baron of the Lazy Dubya Ranch and his straight-shootin’, tough-talkin’ ways that sent Matthews into fluttery paroxysms of whatever the non-distaff equivalent of a Noonan Swoon might be whenever Dubya threw him a boy-wink.

But the days of lazing bask and besotted in Dubya’s alleged universal likeability, brilliance, and Brokeback Mount Rushmorehood are over. The long, tanning weekends basking in the “sunny nobility” of the Bicycle Chief are ended, and all of Chris’ friends who have been trying to tell him that Dubya’s was a bad seed -- no good…just a user…who only wanted him for one thing -- turned out to be right.

Dubya has du-du-dumped him! And this time it’s for really, really-real! And no crying pillow is safe as Matthews takes it all in stride with the cosmopolitan good grace of a jilted 17-year-old on a Mad Dog drunk.

With a microphone...

IMUS: "I had a conversation with Andrea Mitchell yesterday, from there, she had just landed in Beirut with Secretary Rice, they were going somewhere–they were going wherever they’re today, at the West Bank. I said, "Why don’t you go over to Syria and talk to that clown?" and you’re right–they, you know…"

MATTHEWS: "It’s all ideology with this crowd. All they care about is ideology. The President bought it, hook, line and sinker. He had– but you know, it was just put into his head, sometime after 9-11, and his philosophy is what he has given it. He didn’t have to have any philosophy when he went in, and they handed it to him. These guys– the guys–you know, the guys that you used to make fun of at school, pencil necks, the intellectuals, the guys you never trusted. All of the sudden he trusts the intellectuals, the guys you knew at school, yeah, they’re a bunch of pencil necks and now he buys completely, their ideology, because he didn’t have one of his own coming in.

That was his problem.

I don’t know what Bush stood for, except I’m a cool guy and Gore isn’t, and that was our problem. We elected the guy because he was a little cooler than the other guy, and, I hope the next election, it isn’t a problem of who goes to bed with their wife at 9:30 at night, or who knows how to tell a joke on a stage. But it’s who had the sense of strength that comes from having read books, most of their life, tried to understand history.

Uh, no Chris. “We” didn’t elect him, and “we” never thought having a halfwit sock puppet as the leader of the free world was a particularly good idea.

In fact "we" are the ones who have been practically running naked through the streets with our hair on fire for the last five years trying to get schmucks like you to spit the Dear Leader’s dick out your mouth for two minutes and wake the fuck up. Trying to get one or two of the hair-sculptures in the MSM to bother to notice that Dubya has been an unmitigated disaster at...everything.

Trying to figure out who cancelled the News and left us with in the hands of the Hannah Barbarians of Fox and CNN.

But Matthews is on to his fourth gin-and-tonic and second box of Kleenex and like every freshly screwed and eschewed simp, is only just warming to his Operatically Magniloquent Rant Against His Evil Ex!

Every mistake we’re making in the Middle East right now, was made years and years ago by the British, by the French, but the mistakes they made in Vietnam were made by the French before. In Algeria the French made all the mistakes we’re making now. If you engage in an invasion you will face resistance from the local people based upon religion, and that, and nationalism. You will then have to put down that insurgency, and you’re going to have to use cruelty and torture to get information, because it’s the only way to get intel in a counter insurgency. Every single thing that’s happened to Iraq was predicted by history. It’s a standard pattern.

Ten, twenty years from now, when kids are reading this in high school–They are going to say, ‘Why were the Americans so dumb?’

Uh, no.

Again, hate to stop you mid-blubber, but there is no fucking WAY that I can let this pass.

“Americans” aren’t dumb you overfunded meatbrick.

“Americans” don’t still think there really are WMDs in Iraq.

“Americans” don’t think Saddam was the mastermind of 9/11.

“Americans” don’t think the Earth is 6,000 years old.

“Americans” don’t think that global warming is just stuff a bunch of corporate-hating tree-huggers made up.

No, it is “Conservative Republicans” who believe this insane, idiotic shit, not “Americans”.

It is Republicans who demonstrate again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that they are, in fact, abundantly stupid and hateful enough to believe the same boldface lies told by the same treasonous liars over and over and over, and how fucking dare you try to “we” the rest of us into the cesspit with the swine that cheered this disaster of an Administration on for the last six years.

Because as we on the Left (who have been Right all along) all know, in the Age of Dubya, you can either be a Good American or a Good Republican, but you no longer be both.

But let the suppurations continue...

They committed the same mistakes that all the Europeans had done before. And it’s like these guys, everything is a surprise. The insurgency was a surprise. The no WMD was a surprise. Everything that happens, now he’s out there now, taking the Arabs side against this, that’s a surprise. Some of these guys are anti-Semitic. That’s a surprise? Everything is known, and the big thing about this crowd that came in around Bush’s.. they must have known it, but they didn’t want to know it, and Bush didn’t have the academic background to challenge them.

And I don’t know what this guy’s– The Vice President is. The Vice President is, you notice how he hides during difficult times. He’s in his bunker. He’s in his undisclosed location…

Of course he hides. He’s a coward and that’s what cowards do. And because he doesn’t want to remind the Chris Matthews' of the world of that last, unhappy reality they don’t want to face: That Bush doesn’t run this country -- Cheney does.

Which is where Matthews performance as the faithful, long-suffering wife now suddenly shocked and furious to find her Romeo is a peevish, abusive void, breaks down.

Going all the way back to the Potemkin “search” for the perfect VP candidate by Cheney…that ended up with Cheney as the only choice, to the original round of tax cuts for the wealthy…that was followed by a proposal for a second round of cuts for the wealthy, to shich Bush objected until Big Dick slung his decomposing arm around the boy and took him for a little walk around the block.

When they returned, Dubya was all for that second tax cut.

And the third.

And the fourth.

To letting the President tool around on his Big Wheel unawares while D.C. has a terror alert because of an unidentified plane over the city.

To Cheney blowing off White House protocol for alerting the press and his "boss" should he, say, shoot an old man in the face.

The press -- Matthews and most of his Sunday flea market included -- have spent the last six years practically laughing us all to death over how funny it is that Dubya says stupid things, and does stupid things. And ain’t it cute and “plainspoken” and Texan that he falls of his bicycle, can’t do simple math or remember what he said yesterday. That he aggressively over-enunciates or simply mispronounces the big words like a drunken eight-year old. That he just fucking lies. That he whines and bitches like a spoiled pussy when he gets caught lying.

And that he does it all with the biggest “Fuck You All” smirk in American history plastered to his face.

Then when the rumors get too thick that Cheney is pulling the strings Cheney comes oozing out of Dis to let Dubya order him around in front of the camera until the press dutifully returns to talking about Dubya's "strength" and "independence" again.

Because for five years, people like Matthews have been on strike. Have refused to see or speak the truth about the halfwit Dauphin from Crawford and his malevolent Regent.

It is a major part of why I believe David Brooks is such a malignant little hack; the constant spinning of ludicrous theories out of air and spittle arguing that Bush didn’t know. Bush didn’t mean it. Bush wasn’t told. No one could have anticipated the ________. His aides deserted him. His base failed him. He is, in fact, a Sekrit Fucking Genius.

It is also why Bobo is constantly getting his nuts sliced off, dipped in scalding chocolate fundu-style and mailed back to him COD in his endless, losing razor-fight with William of Occam.

So while I’m glad that Matthews has apparently decided to rouse himself from his potato-coma and notice that Dubya is and always has been a reeking disaster, he seriously needs to be walked out of his plush digs by security guards with a pink slip in one hand and his Matthews Meter in the other.

By EOB tomorrow.

The fact that in his chosen profession of journalist, his professional judgment has led him only now to faintly detect the faint outlines of the biggest story of the decade – namely that the President of the United States is, at minimum, dangerously incompetent, has committed a host of crimes and atrocities while under the influence of fascists, and is possibly insane – while legions have been screaming for the last five years to pull his head out of his ass and for God’s Sake Notice should automatic mean walking papers and the ritual immolation of his MSNBC ID.

And as far as a replacement, I can only think of 40-50 million people who would qualify as lavishly-paid pundits on the only score that matters:
They got it right.


lukery said...

drifty - i got yer some bad news: "Despite being widely reported in the media that the U.S. and other countries have not found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, surprisingly; more U.S. adults (50%) think that Iraq had such weapons when the U.S. invaded Iraq. This is an increase from 36 percent in February 2005."

please dont tell me there are that many Conservative Republicans in your country (although the only alternative is that there are a lot of stupid Dems. dammit.)

chautauqua said...

It's the ultimate spin - to come to the revelation that Everything You Know is Wrong and in the process discovering the Astonishing Fact that the whole Bushco organization is firmly tied, like Ahab, to the Great White Lie, now beginning to sound - can we possibly hope for the last time? - and somehow bobbing to the surface, a sage without peer who blandly assumes that history begins now. What utter hubris.

¡El Gato Negro! said...

Nice slapdown, Derivacristal.

Eet ees too bad that tomorrow, Matthews weel be back to chupamente la polla, just like the leetle culo besando, apestoso, maracon de playa sin huevos that he ees.

Jack Welch's dolares were well spent, no?


charley said...

well, the black cat directed me here.

i must say, you did not disappoint.

i don't know, if not for the horror, the horror, i'd think it quite funny. all the rats bailing ship, but then there is still the horror.

eddie blake said...


..the tide MIGHT be turning for matthews and his ilk,

(you know,

always know where the hosts

...but yeah


..not the one hundred, but the


...we come,

we come


Max Planck said...

Matthews has snatched the football away Lucy-style so many times that Charlie Brown ought to just say fuck it and aim for his head.

driftglass said...

Yeah, I read it too. And, yeah, there are a lot of stoopids here, and a lot of people who are only peripherally informed on anything that isn't job/sports/porn related.

My guess is most of them think they "heard something about them finding weapons" and that's all they know.

Or think they know.

¡El Gato Negro!,
He's as predictable as memory plastic snapping back into its original shape no matter how it might be bent or folded today,


Max Planck,
That I would pay to see; one of his guests high spiking him next time he starts to drool over the Codpiece-in-Chief.
That's some good teevee.

US Blues said...

DG- you are, of course, going to send a copy of this to that snivelling idiot, no?

Kid Charlemagne said...

The number of people who believe Saddam had WMDs went up because a lot of folks heard about that cache of old weapons (Iran-Iraq War vintage) that was found. I reckon most of them didn't hear the follow-up; the nerve gas was so old (the stuff has a shelf life) that it was less dangerous than fresh bug spray. BTW, many insect poisons are weaker members of the same family of poisons as nerve gases, namely, cholinesterase inhibitors.

Toxically yours, Kid Charlemagne

beq said...

Aaaah. Thank you. (bonus: "Hannah Barbarians")

You know, his face is kinda rubbery.

Anonymous said...

Great rant, drifty.

I guess my ongoing disagreement with you is that the Democratic Party is on the whole useless. Look at what they are talking about: "We would have invaded in a more competent manner. We would have violently instilled the sweet, sweet goodness of democracy in a more efficient way....etcd. etc. etc.

The rot is deeper in American society: Most Americans still believe in American Exceptionalism. That means good ol' White Man's Burden repackaged. I disagree with kinder, gentler, more efficient invasions. The Democratic Party does not. "Trust us. We will be more effective in destroying the brown people who don't properly obey" is their mantra.

Scout said...

They're all good, but every so often one of your rants has that extra special yummyness... and it just BEGS to be shared with my friends. This is one of those.

Anonymous said...

Fuckin' A.

montysano said...

Just last night over on "Hardball", a neocon head spins so fast that Matthews and Al Sharpton donned their brain-proof ponchos and waited for the explosion.

Tweety asks Mike Evans of the Jerusalem Prayer Team:

do you support Dear Leader's Excellent Adventure in Iraq.

"Why yes, of course I do"

Bringing Western style democracy to the Middle East is important?

"Why yes, yes it is."

Maliki, the duly elected leader of Iraq, had some unkind words for Israel the other day.


Maliki will speak to Congress tomorrow; a good thing?

"No! NO! He should not be allowed to speak to our Congress after what he said about Israel."

But you support the President's goal to bring democracy to Iraq?

"Why yes, of course I do............."

Sheeesh. And in my mind, I saw hordes of knuckledragger's heads nodding, as if it all made perfect sense.

montysano said...

Oh,BTW DG, I forgot: one of your best posts evah, this one.

justme said...

us blues- If he doesn't, I will. Tweety needs to read this.

drifty- Once again I am richly rewarded for stopping by. Oh so many points just for breaking out "peevish void" again.

BitterHarvest said...

You tell em, D!

I love that pause, that "Uh, no Chris. 'We' didn’t elect him, and 'we' never thought having a halfwit sock puppet as the leader of the free world was a particularly good idea."

I would give my right arm to be a a guest in Matthew's show and to interject with an "uh, no, Chris,'we' didn't elect him. Dumbasses like you did."

jurassicpork said...

“We” didn’t elect him, and “we” never thought having a halfwit sock puppet as the leader of the free world was a particularly good idea.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ain't it great being us, Drifty?

Henry Holland said...

What I can't figure out is *why* the Beltway Kewl Kidz got on their knees and unzippered Shrub so quickly in the first place.

It can't be deference to the office of the President; they made The Clenis' life hell for 8 years +.

They can't *really* have bought the He's So Folksy and Brilliant bullshit, can they? Cynical and misanthropic as I am, even I wouldn't believe that.

Is it that the Rethugs goal of remaking the media finally succeeded after 30 years of chipping away and they and their corporate masters are all Republicans more than happy to write crap?

Or did Pappy Bush call in some favors at the CIA and get dossiers loaded with dead girl/live boy type blackmail material on all of them?

If Drifty ever has a Best of Driftglass compilation, this rant will have to be included.

driftglass said...

Thank you all most kindly.

Very late night last night and it's been a long day already.


This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought...

Loveandlight said...

Kinda late to the party here as I'm fighting off a summer cold. Yes, folks, only Loveandlight could manage to get himself infected with the rhinovirus in the middle of a humid, 80+ degree July.

Anyway, while I'm sure there's a lot of people who believe there were WMD's, I wouldn't get too hung up on the specific numbers from those polls. Nobody I know has ever been contacted to participate in one of those polls.

It's pretty much SOP for talking heads to be royally disingenuous fucks. It's essentially their job to keep the mass mediocrity smugly confident in its pseudo-certainty.

Anonymous said...

Also, "Americans don't think GWB is Cool". When I first saw him in '99, my bullshit-o-meter red-lined and I thought.. this guy is a complete asshole - he'll never win. Actually I was right about both things.

I also get a kick out of your weekly dumb-fuck round-up of the Sunday shows and the other crap and bile on Fox. It is all such unwatchable shit, I'm glad that you are packaging it up for us. Just remember to wash your hands thoroughly afterwards.

Thanks DG - Right on, and all that!

Anonymous said...

Also, "Americans don't think GWB is Cool". When I first saw him in '99, my bullshit-o-meter red-lined and I thought.. this guy is a complete asshole - he'll never win. Actually I was right about both things.

I also get a kick out of your weekly dumb-fuck round-up of the Sunday shows and the other crap and bile on Fox. It is all such unwatchable shit, I'm glad that you are packaging it up for us. Just remember to wash your hands thoroughly afterwards.

Thanks DG - Right on, and all that!

jurassicpork said...

"Keep the Peace. We Don't Want It." Starring Condi Rice on piano and Hoff and Mini Hoff on vocals. Be there or... not.

Athenawise said...

Ah, Drifty, your posts are so brilliant, I gain weight just reading them. Dammit, man, you are too, too rich for my digestive system. But, like eating chocolate or potato chips, I can't stop....

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