d r i f t g l a s s: It’s not much of a cheese shop,

It’s not much of a cheese shop,

Friday, October 07, 2005 Posted by driftglass Friday, October 07, 2005

Is it?

Such a long day I’ve have in the NaCl mines working my heart out for our ant overlords. And I spy with my little eye one Timmy Flanigan, Tyco lawyer lashed to the mast of the rapidly-sinking GOP Swag Ship -- the U.S.S. Jack Abramoff -- and latest in the Bush string of fecal federal appointment pearls to finally be exposed to the light of day.

Good times! But there’s a Python thing going on down below that's cracking me up and is hard to ignore. So before we wander down Bush Smackdown Boulevard, this quick...

A Moderate visits the GOP Cheese Shop.

MODERATE:
Good Morning.

MANWHORE:
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Conservative Party Emporium.

MODERATE:
Ah, thank you my good man.

MANWHORE:
What can I do for you, sir?

MODERATE:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Strom Thurmond Street just now, skimming through “The Conscience of a Conservative” by Barry Goldwater, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

MANWHORE:
Peckish, sir?

MODERATE:
Esurient.

MANWHORE:
Eh?

MODERATE:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.

MANWHORE:
Ah, hungry.

MODERATE:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little Party ‘o Lincoln nibble will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Goldwatering activates, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Conservative comestibles.

MANWHORE:
Come again?

MODERATE:
I want some Traditional Republican values.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Swastika.

MODERATE:
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Foremost Constitutional Emendation.

MANWHORE:
Sorry?

MODERATE:
Ah like’s a nice torchlit rally, I do.

MANWHORE:
So Rush can go on ranting, can he?

MODERATE:
Most certainly. Now then, some conservative values please, my good man.

MANWHORE:
Certainly, sir. What would you like?

MODERATE:
Well, eh, how about a little Red Chinese bashing?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Chinese bashing, sir.

MODERATE:
Oh never mind, how are you on Civil Liberties?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.

MODERATE:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Budget Balancing, if you please.

MANWHORE:
Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.

MODERATE:
It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Compassionate Conservatism?

MANWHORE:
Sorry, sir.

MODERATE:
Confronting racism? And segregation?

MANWHORE:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

MODERATE:
Ah. How about no nation-building?

MANWHORE:
Sorry.

MODERATE:
Tolerance? Privacy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Any respect for Science, per chance?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Plurality?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Suspicion of Big Government?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Solid economic policies?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Pay as you go?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A Teddy Rooseveltian limit on monopolies and corporatism?

MANWHORE:
…No.

MODERATE:
Hatred of Fascism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Optimism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Free speech? Freedom of religion? Freedom of assembly? Petitioning you government for redress of grievances? Clean water? Clean air?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A strong military, perhaps?

MANWHORE:
Ah! We have a strong military, yes sir.

MODERATE:
You do! Excellent.

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit Rummy.

MODERATE:
Oh, I like it Rummy.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's very Rummy, actually, sir.

MODERATE:
No matter. Fetch hither le Armée Des Etats-Unis! M-mmm!

MANWHORE:
I think it's a bit Rummier than you'll like it, sir.

MODERATE:
I don't care how fucking Rummy it is. Hand it over with all speed.

MANWHORE:
Oh .....

MODERATE:
What now?

MANWHORE:
Iraq’s eaten it.

MODERATE:
Has he?

MANWHORE:
She, sir.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Fair elections?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Death with dignity?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Rational gun laws?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
International respect?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Eisenhower’s “Just say “No” to the Military Industrial Complex?”

MANWHORE:
No, sir.

MODERATE:
You do have some Republican values, do you?

MANWHORE:
Of course, sir. It's a Republican Party, sir. We've got .....

MODERATE:
No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

MANWHORE:
Fair enough.

MODERATE:
Er, staying out of other people’s bedrooms?

MANWHORE:
Yes?

MODERATE:
Ah, well, I'll have some of that.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were talking about me, sir. Manwhore Gannon. I spend rather a lot of time in other people’s bedrooms.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Honest day’s work for honest day’s pay?

MANWHORE:
Ah, not as such.

MODERATE:
Er, Term Limits?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Power sharing?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Requiring “…all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress”?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Due process?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Fair Markets?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
No frivolous Presidential pardons?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Government transparency?

MANWHORE:
For Hillary and Health Care yes, but for Cheney and Energy Policy, not today, sir, no.

(pause)

MODERATE:

Ah, how about Zero Tolerance for Presidential lying?

MANWHORE:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

MODERATE:
Not much ca- It's the single most famous Republican value in the world!
You impeached a man over it!

MANWHORE:
Not round here, sir.

MODERATE:
And what is the most popular value round here?

MANWHORE:
Personal Responsibility, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
It's our number-one best seller, sir.

MODERATE:
I see. Ah, Personal Responsibility, eh?

MANWHORE:
Right, sir.

MODERATE:
All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

MANWHORE:
I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.

MODERATE:
It's not much of a Republican Party, is it?

MANWHORE:
Finest in the district, sir.

MODERATE:
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's so clean, sir.

MODERATE:
It's certainly uncontaminated by actual conservative values.

MANWHORE:
You haven't asked me about torture, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it worth it?

MANWHORE:
Could be.

MODERATE:
Have you- TAKE THAT FUCKING SWASTIKA DOWN!

MANWHORE:
(To skinheads) Told you so.

MODERATE:
Do you repudiate the use of torture as a matter of national policy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir?

MODERATE:
Have you in fact got any values here at all?

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir.

MODERATE:

Really?

(pause)

MANWHORE:
No. Not really, sir.

MODERATE:
You haven't.

MANWHORE:
No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

MODERATE:
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Of course this is where our little parable runs off the rails because, like the broken-down crack-whores that they are, it doesn’t matter how many times or how brutally the GOP lies to Moderates or betrays them or fucks them over, and it doesn’t matter how high into the troposphere you pile the evidence of their stupidity and complicity and denial…they will always bellycrawl back the their abusers and beg to have their three remaining teeth punched down their throats.

Post a Comment 225 Comments:

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jurassicpork said...

Very good, Drifty.

Remember that little plotline that Al Capp did back in the early 70's in L'il Abner when all anyone had to do to gain access anywhere was to say, "Frankly, I'm with Frank"?

Worked every time and the fucking GOP is doing the same thing with Abe Lincoln, a man who would shoot them in the back of their pin heads with a .41 Derringer for what these neocon assclowns are doing to his party.

11:10 PM

teh l4m3 said...

They're thinking, "at least it's real red-blooded Americans doing the punching, and not some chardonnay-sipping liberal, or some Islamofascist."

It never occurs to them that their teeth don't have to get knocked in at all.

1:39 AM

Fast Eddy said...

Man, could NOT stop laughing this time. You exceeded all the little suggestions in the post below by a mile.

"It's a bit Rummy, sir." A hahahahaha! Yow!

1:49 AM

justme said...

Oh, my.

Good Sir, you have exeeded yourself again. This time beyond all reasonable bounds. I had thought the warming chuckle I felt at The Hammer's Nevermore to be a pinnacle, but reading this quite late, I hope I haven't wakened the adjoining rooms with an uncontrolled maniacal cackle. Couldn't keep it in, sorry.
I've loved that skit for many a year. But if you're going to go all Manwhore-Python, I wonder if the Lumberjack Song might not be good fodder. Actually, shit, the potential, manwhore or no, for a good reworking of the Philosopher's Song has got serious legs. Give it a go.

Had the great luck as a young lad to see them live, Cheese Shop, Lumberjacks, Crunchy Frogs, and all. Oh, to have anything close as popular social commentary now. Sigh.

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"iraq's eaten it" !!!!
even the meter is perfect.
bless you and your keyboard.

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Anonymous said...

Beautiful work! I laughed. I cried. It's all so pathetically, fucking true.

The last five years have been like sharing a dorm room with a schizophrenic whose personality has degraded into full paranoia just before Christmas break. It was always uncomfortable, but now it's damn disturbing.

The Housing Office tells you that you can't switch rooms until after Finals and the shrink at the Student Health Center tells you that your roomie is "just fine," and needs all the support you can offer. Meanwhile he's begun arguing with himself, and losing.

You have nowhere to hide and every moment is a walk down the razor's edge between uncomfortable reality and a bloody mess. You know that he' either going to be dragged out in restraints, or he's going to take the whole dorm down with him. Maybe I'll move off-campus (France? Australia?)
I miss high school.

8:15 AM

US Blues said...

Brilliant! In no small part aided by the fact that I could hear John Cleese's voice in my head as I read the piece. Helps that we all watched and re-watched this stuff in our youth when there was way more time in the Universe...

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The nice thing about it was that it came out of the blue. I didn't think you'd do another Python piece so soon. And perhaps that's one of the great things about the Driftglass Inquisition (and the Patrick Fitzgerald Inquisition too, but I won't go into that.) The Driftglass Inquisition comes at you unexpectedly. That's its great power as a weapon: the element of surprise. That, and the irony.

Ok, 2 weapons does the Driftglass Inquisition have: Surprise and Irony. ...And an utterly fanatical devotion to logic and reason.

Ok, ok, the Driftglass Inquisition has weapons three: Surprise, Irony, an Utterly Fanatical Devotion to Logic and Reason...And sarcasm of course.

Four. Four weapons has the Driftglass Inquisition: Surprise, Irony, an Utterly Fanatical Devotion to Logic and Reason, and Sarcasm. ...And ridicule. Ridicule is one of the main weapons of the Driftglass Inquisition.

Five. There are five weapons in the Driftglass Inquisition's arsenal...

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Nobody - I mean, NOOOOObody - expects the Driftish Inquisition.

Or, for that matter, the Irish Inquisition.

"Welcome, Mr. Rove, welcome. The Grand Jury just has a few very small questions for you. Inconsequential really, I don't know why they bother. Just take a seat and we can proceed."

"Take a seat. Where? It's kind of crowded in here..."

"Yes, yes, quite right, the quarters are an abomination, really quite cramped. Hmmm, let's see. Ah! I have it! Why don't you settle yourself in...

THE COMFY CHAIR!"

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OK, it's a race to see who is going to come up with a take on "High School Madness", starring George Bushbiter.

"What are you going to do, Scooter?"

"I'm going to climb into a grove of aspens as they turn together, cut the soles out of my shoes, and learn to play the flute."

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