It’s not much of a cheese shop,

Is it?

Such a long day I’ve have in the NaCl mines working my heart out for our ant overlords. And I spy with my little eye one Timmy Flanigan, Tyco lawyer lashed to the mast of the rapidly-sinking GOP Swag Ship -- the U.S.S. Jack Abramoff -- and latest in the Bush string of fecal federal appointment pearls to finally be exposed to the light of day.

Good times! But there’s a Python thing going on down below that's cracking me up and is hard to ignore. So before we wander down Bush Smackdown Boulevard, this quick...

A Moderate visits the GOP Cheese Shop.

MODERATE:
Good Morning.

MANWHORE:
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Conservative Party Emporium.

MODERATE:
Ah, thank you my good man.

MANWHORE:
What can I do for you, sir?

MODERATE:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Strom Thurmond Street just now, skimming through “The Conscience of a Conservative” by Barry Goldwater, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

MANWHORE:
Peckish, sir?

MODERATE:
Esurient.

MANWHORE:
Eh?

MODERATE:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.

MANWHORE:
Ah, hungry.

MODERATE:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little Party ‘o Lincoln nibble will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Goldwatering activates, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Conservative comestibles.

MANWHORE:
Come again?

MODERATE:
I want some Traditional Republican values.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Swastika.

MODERATE:
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Foremost Constitutional Emendation.

MANWHORE:
Sorry?

MODERATE:
Ah like’s a nice torchlit rally, I do.

MANWHORE:
So Rush can go on ranting, can he?

MODERATE:
Most certainly. Now then, some conservative values please, my good man.

MANWHORE:
Certainly, sir. What would you like?

MODERATE:
Well, eh, how about a little Red Chinese bashing?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Chinese bashing, sir.

MODERATE:
Oh never mind, how are you on Civil Liberties?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.

MODERATE:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Budget Balancing, if you please.

MANWHORE:
Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.

MODERATE:
It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Compassionate Conservatism?

MANWHORE:
Sorry, sir.

MODERATE:
Confronting racism? And segregation?

MANWHORE:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

MODERATE:
Ah. How about no nation-building?

MANWHORE:
Sorry.

MODERATE:
Tolerance? Privacy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Any respect for Science, per chance?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Plurality?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Suspicion of Big Government?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Solid economic policies?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Pay as you go?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A Teddy Rooseveltian limit on monopolies and corporatism?

MANWHORE:
…No.

MODERATE:
Hatred of Fascism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Optimism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Free speech? Freedom of religion? Freedom of assembly? Petitioning you government for redress of grievances? Clean water? Clean air?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A strong military, perhaps?

MANWHORE:
Ah! We have a strong military, yes sir.

MODERATE:
You do! Excellent.

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit Rummy.

MODERATE:
Oh, I like it Rummy.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's very Rummy, actually, sir.

MODERATE:
No matter. Fetch hither le Armée Des Etats-Unis! M-mmm!

MANWHORE:
I think it's a bit Rummier than you'll like it, sir.

MODERATE:
I don't care how fucking Rummy it is. Hand it over with all speed.

MANWHORE:
Oh .....

MODERATE:
What now?

MANWHORE:
Iraq’s eaten it.

MODERATE:
Has he?

MANWHORE:
She, sir.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Fair elections?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Death with dignity?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Rational gun laws?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
International respect?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Eisenhower’s “Just say “No” to the Military Industrial Complex?”

MANWHORE:
No, sir.

MODERATE:
You do have some Republican values, do you?

MANWHORE:
Of course, sir. It's a Republican Party, sir. We've got .....

MODERATE:
No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

MANWHORE:
Fair enough.

MODERATE:
Er, staying out of other people’s bedrooms?

MANWHORE:
Yes?

MODERATE:
Ah, well, I'll have some of that.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were talking about me, sir. Manwhore Gannon. I spend rather a lot of time in other people’s bedrooms.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Honest day’s work for honest day’s pay?

MANWHORE:
Ah, not as such.

MODERATE:
Er, Term Limits?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Power sharing?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Requiring “…all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress”?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Due process?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Fair Markets?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
No frivolous Presidential pardons?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Government transparency?

MANWHORE:
For Hillary and Health Care yes, but for Cheney and Energy Policy, not today, sir, no.

(pause)

MODERATE:

Ah, how about Zero Tolerance for Presidential lying?

MANWHORE:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

MODERATE:
Not much ca- It's the single most famous Republican value in the world!
You impeached a man over it!

MANWHORE:
Not round here, sir.

MODERATE:
And what is the most popular value round here?

MANWHORE:
Personal Responsibility, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
It's our number-one best seller, sir.

MODERATE:
I see. Ah, Personal Responsibility, eh?

MANWHORE:
Right, sir.

MODERATE:
All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

MANWHORE:
I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.

MODERATE:
It's not much of a Republican Party, is it?

MANWHORE:
Finest in the district, sir.

MODERATE:
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's so clean, sir.

MODERATE:
It's certainly uncontaminated by actual conservative values.

MANWHORE:
You haven't asked me about torture, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it worth it?

MANWHORE:
Could be.

MODERATE:
Have you- TAKE THAT FUCKING SWASTIKA DOWN!

MANWHORE:
(To skinheads) Told you so.

MODERATE:
Do you repudiate the use of torture as a matter of national policy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir?

MODERATE:
Have you in fact got any values here at all?

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir.

MODERATE:

Really?

(pause)

MANWHORE:
No. Not really, sir.

MODERATE:
You haven't.

MANWHORE:
No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

MODERATE:
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Of course this is where our little parable runs off the rails because, like the broken-down crack-whores that they are, it doesn’t matter how many times or how brutally the GOP lies to Moderates or betrays them or fucks them over, and it doesn’t matter how high into the troposphere you pile the evidence of their stupidity and complicity and denial…they will always bellycrawl back the their abusers and beg to have their three remaining teeth punched down their throats.