You miserable slug!

You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.



No I didn't. Honest...


I ran out of gas.

I, I had a flat tire.

I didn't have enough money for cab fare.

My tux didn't come back from the cleaners.

An old friend came in from out of town.

Someone stole my car.

There was an earthquake!

A terrible flood!

Locusts!!

IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

(Because sometimes only the "Blue's Brothers" sums things up right.)


When you build your Party and Identity on the bedrock of inerrant ideological purity and biblical literalism, it's a simple fact of of nature that you’re gonna attract a certain, very-unpleasant sub-species of humans by the droves as sure as Bad Pharaohs that piss of Yahweh attract frogs and flies and rivers of blood. Critters, to be honest, I wouldn’t scrape off my shoe and feed to a starving otter.

So I was listening to Dexter Gordon on “Dexter Digs In” making a very persuasive case for the existence of a Just and Merciful God, and working out a response to a point raised by commenter rosebuddear -- “...been dealing with these motherfuckers (oh excuse this language I am so VERY angry) for at least that long. I have been hearing them all say the exact same thing since the 70s...........
I never did figure out why they didn't get it.” -- when I caught the following headline on Yahoo News – “Robertson Apologizes for Chavez Remarks (AP).”

A gentle silence like unto the wee hours before Christmas morning falls over Castle Driftglass as I drop what I'm doing and go chase that down. Because , I gotta admit, I got pretty excited when I read this for, if true, it would be practically the first time in living memory that any one of the American Taliban who run the GOP had ever apologized...for anything. Swaggart and Bakker jump to mind, but only because of the maudlin velocity with which they hit the pavement.

And those were because it was about sex, which means that, if true, Robertson would have broken the First Commandment of Wingnuttery: Never, ever, ever apologize for anything where you penis isn’t a co-conspirator.

Rabid mob-riling bloodlust, fervid, manic scapegoating, unalloyed racism, calls for murder in the name of God...these are the stocks-in-trade of the radical clerics of the American Taliban like Falwell and Robertson, but catch them schtupping a hooker or packing the old Salvation Stick into a Salivating Acolyte to whom the Good Reverend Doctor is not bound in G-rated Christian Marriage, and that’s when they magically find the words, “I’m Sorry”.

Of course they mean, “I am so sorry I won’t be able to dick the help anymore.”

It means, “I’m sorry the accountants have told me I have to pretend I like being married to Herve-Villechaize-in-a-Fright-Mask here (“Boss! The Rapture! The Rapture!) if I want the droolbuckets who buy my twaddle to keep forking over their cat food and medication money.”

It means, “Fuck You! I’m sorry I got caught!”

Then they pull out a few nose hairs to look pained, spray some poison out the their venom sacs via their tear ducts, go hose down with the All Forgivin' Blood ‘o The Lamb...and come back out swinging three weeks later.

But at least they form their mouths to make the words, however much they despise and repudiated it in their soul.

And the only reason any of this ridiculous, transparent clownshow ever works at all is the shambling, cripplingly-inbred failed humans in their millions who fall for the same “Pull My Finger”-grade con game over and over and over again, generation after generation, world without end, amen.

So I think to myself I may be witnessing one of those rare moments in American history when one of Asshats of Evil that hold this country hostage actually busts out of his anti-Christian chrysalis and atones for doing something that would make his Savior projectile vomit fishes and loaves into a Low Earth Orbit.

Nah, I think to myself. Because Pat Robertson is an utterly and irredeemably evil troll, I'll just bet he’ll “apologize” for being “misunderstood”.

Hey! Guess what?

Robertson Apologizes but Says He Was 'Misinterpreted'
By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
The Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson issued a statement today apologizing for his televised remarks calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez.
"Is it right to call for assassination?" he said in the statement. "No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

But Mr. Robertson was far from apologetic on his television show today, instead insisting that he had been been "misinterpreted" by The Associated Press and that he had never used the word "assassination."

"I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things, including kidnapping," Mr. Robertson told his audience on the show "The 700 Club" today.

The video from Monday's telecast, easily available on the internet, shows Mr. Robertson saying of the Venezuelan president: "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop." Mr. Robertson went on at length about Mr. Chávez, suggesting that "covert operatives" could "do the job and then get it over with."

Apparently this head of a vast Christopathic Teevee Network dedicated to perverting the Christian Faith digitally and in hi-def suffer’s from Frist’s Syndrome: the repeated failure to realize that people ”tape” shit, and that those “tapes” can be played back at future dates to confirm or deny you assertions of what you “really” said.

Or maybe he was just praying that Sweet Baby Jebus would pull of some Holy De-gaussing.

So having said what he said, and then denied he said what he said, he was then forced kicking and screaming into “apologizing” for both his original treachery and his cowardly lying about his original treachery.

Murderous, two-faced and gutless...For Christ!

Man, at this point they should just pre-print that on the RNC Letterhead and get it over with.

Of course if Pat Robertson ever got it into his head to actually, seriously make amends for a lifetime of sowing hate and fear like a Typhoid Mary Mary Magdelane, the next day some 700 Club Intern would find his lifeless, naked body hanging by his belt in the Christian Broadcasting Network’s Executive Toilet with a note that says, “Please Forgive Me, Lord” pinned to his ass.

Of course it would only be a matter of minutes before someone looked at brown puddle pooled beneath the rigid idjit and said, “Hey doesn’t that feces look like...Jebus!”

And then we’re right back to the fucking races.