Dear New York Times

Brave conservative writers are punished by The New York Times, which gives them columns https://t.co/QPXrJPrWtU pic.twitter.com/akYcIO6Pgp

— Charles P. Pierce (@CharlesPPierce) April 20, 2018

Yesterday, I drove my family round-trip from our home in Springfield, Illinois to Augustana College, then on to Davenport, Iowa for lunch, and then home.

During the trip I...

...interacted with representative samples of Gen Z (kids in the back seat) and learned much about their mores, folkways, eating habits and musical/cultural tastes.  Through their stories and songs, I discovered what the expression "strictly dickly" means.

...interacted with members of an elite American educational institution (stepson and his roommate), and their surrounding multi-ethic community (There's a couple of Belgian restaurants, a German store, various churches, and the line was long at Hy-Vee with different kinds of people.)

...made detailed observations of the flora and fauna (couple of dead deer by the side of the road, also two raccoons and a possum) of the Midwest.

...made equally detailed observations of the effects of climate change (the mighty Mississippi has flooded Davenport for two block inland on), the glories of modern technology (we listened to a Game of Thrones podcast), the limits of modern technology (the nav kept trying to kill us by routing us through the flooded streets) and failing infrastructure (did I mention that the streets were flooded?)

...interacted with local Iowans at a popular luncheon restaurant and closely observed their political and sporting preference and cultural habits.  We laughed, and we cried, and we shared as we all drank deeply from the communal cup of watching this cable teevee station that plays adorable-pet and humans-fucking-up YouTube videos 24/7.

...closely observed the intersection of income inequality and our minimum-wage/minimum-service  economy (because of "problems in the kitchen" at the popular Davenport luncheon restaurant, it took over an hour for our meal to get to our table, and the fries were cold) two different, culturally-distinct, economically-diverse Midwest states (on the way back home and running out of steam. we stopped for coffee-to-go at a Dunkin Donuts somewhere outside of Decatur and they screwed up our order about as thoroughly as possible.)

In advance of the 2020 election, I propose that your paper hire me to pad my experience out into a four-part, 4,000 word essay on Midwestern mores, folkways, culture, politics, sports and dietary habits.  I envision is as positioned midway between Salena Zito's Trump Whisperer chronicles, and David Brooks' lightly "researched" observations made while peering out the window during the Acela Corridor commuter train's brief stop at Willoughby. 

Both folksy and cosmopolitan Folksopolitan!

Authentic, yet condescending.  Condescentic!

Unbearably pious yet vaguely smutty.  Pornograteful!

After that I would expect a recurring guest column in your paper, a book deal promoted by your paper, and arrangements made by your paper for regular appearances on PBS, NPR and cable news where I can promote my book.

So my question is, to whom to I submit the expense vouchers for my trip?

I await your prompt response,

driftglass

PS. We also skipped church to make the trip, so I would be willing to include a section on the relationship between late-stage capitalism and spiritual poverty and spice it up with quotes from Thoreau and Cato the Elder if this would make it easier to swallow for the gullible CEO's who (as we of the Midwest say) sop up David Brooks' drivel with a biscuit.

Behold, a Tip Jar!