Tuesday, March 08, 2016

David Brooks And The Wesley Snipes Option

From David Brooks today, once again deep in his Republican Detachment Disorder cups, once again subtweeting his ex wife in a column about the "election":
It’s 2 a.m. The bar is closing. Republicans have had a series of strong and nasty Trump cocktails. Suddenly Ted Cruz is beginning to look kind of attractive. At least he’s sort of predictable, and he doesn’t talk about his sexual organs in presidential debates!

Well, Republicans, have your standards really fallen so low so fast? Are you really that desperate? Can you remember your 8 p.m. selves, and all the hope you had about entering a campaign with such a deep bench of talented candidates?...

There is another path, one that doesn’t leave you self-loathing in the morning...

The gardener, Sarah? You're doing the gardener now!?  By God and Calvin Coolidge, where are your standards, woman!  Have you learned nothing?  I mean, can some strapping young gardener ever incessantly exhort you on the virtues of humility like I can?  Huh, Sarah?  Can he?  Can some mightily-thewed gardener with thick, wavy hair cascading down past his broad shoulders ever harangue you day after day after day into finally understanding the importance of a Grand Bargain? Can he, Sarah? Can he?!?

And not for nothin' isn't this exactly the same riff I wrote a month ago based on the creepy comments of an early Trump backer?

Looks Like Freedom But it Feels Like Death

It's something in between, I guess.

It's closing time.

And finally 2:00 AM comes, as it always does.

Behind the bar, Micky has flipped the light once already and there you are, full of the Jägerbombs you've been pounding all night. once again stranded somewhere between Grandiose and Bellicose with no place to park your junk for the night.  So it's time to either stagger over to Tammy's 4 AM and try your luck among the gang bangers, water-heads and other pre-dawn human rounding errors that wash up there between two and four, or finally pick one of the lovelies who have been flashing you their wares since midnight,

Sure. one of them is a dead ringer for Edna Krabbappel, and the other one may be a dude, but what the Hell, it's late.  So very late.  Almost too late. And only a loser walks out of a place like this in the dead of night alone.  And there is just enough booze thundering in your ears to convince you that maybe this time you won't wake up in a puddle of your own sick with both your wallet and the last remnants of your dignity gone.

And that, boys and girls, is not the opening of a second-rate Raymond Carver story contest entry. No, it is the psych profile of the average Trump voter as translated from the original douchbag by professional tin pusher, beer-goggle Colin Farrell and Trump supporter, Ernie Boch, Jr...
Jesus, Brooks can't even pilfer competently.  By God and Calvin Coolidge, David, where are your fucking standards?

For the benefit of future historians, the title of Mr. Brooks column today was:
It’s Not Too Late!

Republicans still have time to reject Donald Trump, avoid Ted Cruz and pick a nominee who allows them to maintain their standards.
No, David, it was too late 20 years ago.  And the chumps have already settled...and settled...and settled again and gotten nothing for their toil and tears but ashes, broken promises and more lectures from toadies like you on their duty to continue serving the Republican establishment.

The chumps have finally noticed that the only people who ever seem to profit from the ex cathedra pronouncements of always-wrong-but-employed-for-life establishment grovelers like David Brooks are always-wrong-but-employed-for-life establishment grovelers like David Brooks,

And however horrifying their 2:00 AM choices may be, they appear to be done with settling:


bowtiejack said...

I do hope the GOP will stand by its principles and allow open carry at the Republican Convention, because "Freedom!"
Sure, you could have a Götterdämmerung with just metaphorical fires and explosions, but how much better to have a lot of edgy suburban John-Wayne-wannabes ready to "get real".

Robert Muir said...

This is a cry for help isn't it?

Unknown said...

The faux centrist GOP crew is really going down with the "but we had such a deep roster of talented candidates!" ship, aren't they?

They had a bunch of pathetic frauds, hacks and clowns who seemed "talented" because the comparison point was the 2012 crew, which included such luminaries as Michele "Who Let Me Out of My Padded Cell?" Bachmann, Newt "Frankly, I'm a fucking asshole" Gingrich, Tim "Even Lower Energy than Jeb!" Pawlenty, Jon "WTF? Everyone Here Thinks I'm a Democrat?" Huntsman, Herman "I Wrote My Tax Plan on a Godfathers Pizza Box" Cain, and last and almost certainly least, Rick "Frothy Mix" Santorum. The crew that made pathologically lying android Willard Mitt "Mittens" Romney seem like a colossus of presidential material. No remotely serious person other than Mittens (and Huntsman, but he was doomed the moment he boarded that flight to China at the Kenyan Usurper's request) was willing to risk getting his ass kicked by Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

But this year's crew was only an improvement to the extent they could speak in complete sentences without drooling all over themselves and walking without tripping over their own feet. Jeb! was useless, Scott Walker as the charisma of a tree stump, Rubio is an empty suit, Christie never had a chance after hugging the Kenyan Usurper and closing the bridge, Tailgunner Ted is the biggest fucking asshole on the planet and an extremist nutjob too, Bobby Jindal is already in the running for worst governor in history and he's only been gone a few weeks, Fiorina, really? Carson was a walking ad for narcolepsy treatment, Rand Paul was such an empty-headed opportunist that he managed to lose even his father's zombie cult. Kasich is the only one who resembles a decent candidate and he's no superstar. Did I forgot anyone? Eh who cares.

One reason Trump has gotten this far was that the GOP's "talented" candidate pool was actually a bunch of useless fakes. But BoBo needs more time to come to grips with this, I guess.

dinthebeast said...

"such a deep bench of talented candidates"
...I was gonna paste that up there and then say something snarky about it, but upon reflection, I don't have any better irony or satire than the original statement. I gather that this has been happening a lot lately. Perhaps we need a new word to name it?

-Doug in Oakland

Lawrence said...

Over at Goblinbooks, one of my other favorite blogs, Paul Bibeau takes Brooks to task.

RUKidding said...

Unknown has summed up the "deep bench of talented candidates" better than I could. Both 2012 and 2016 are direct "descendants" as it were of the Bill Kristol inflicted Veep, Tundra Trash, whom we leftists were routinely spanked that, no, really, she's really really really smart and knows stuff you betcha.

Once they let that pathetic Pandora out of the box, it appears that all bets are off and any rogue, carney barker, low life bottom dwelling scum sucking grifter and dingbat can run for the GOP candidacy and be deemed not merely adequate, which is a lie, but as superlative.

I've seen rightwing forwards super praising Fiorina as this business giant with magic bean acumen powers. I'll stop with that insulting nonsense.

Once the GOP decided to let the dumbf*ck & utterly beyond corruption genie out of the bottle, what you see is what you get. Or as they say in old school computer parlance: garbage in, garbage out.

The gyrations and triple-pretzel "logic" of the likes of DFB and the rightwing think tanks would be beyond belief, except that we've seen it all so tediously before.

I cannot imagine (and don't want to think about) what 2020 will bring us.

It's no wonder Trump is leading. Honestly, out of that field of bs grifters (oh I think Unknown left out Huckabee, above, and what a suck up, amoral grifter he is) and know-nothing fools, Trump does tend to stand out as someone who knows a thing or two. One or two things is more than the rest of the combined contenders know. Ergo...

trgahan said...

"...but we had such a deep roster of talented candidates!"

All of which were rejected by actual Republican voters even before Iowa.

Robert Reich also predicted an extreme nationalistic popularist candidate would rise from the Great Recession. In short, he argued that economic conditions for the majority of Americans had eroded to the point that a large segment would feel so betrayed and angry that they would demand a "kill the cow" candidate who would deliver their revenge to those they felt were responsible for the state of things.

He never said conservatives would be the source of the candidate, but considering 30+ years conservative media propaganda, it is pretty obvious the candidate wasn't going to be a liberal.

bluicebank said...

What Brooks doesn't seem to realize is that the Republican Bar & Grill is a place you have to walk into already drunk. Because all the patrons are coyote ugly from Happy Hour until last call.