Saturday, February 13, 2016

At the #GOPdebate: The Throne of Lies

Gleaned and cleaned from my debate Tweets:

Kasich:  In case there was any doubt that even the "moderate" Republican is a hateful d-bag, I think that Obama should "put the country first for once".

Again with the throat-ramming.  What's with Young Marco's obsession with people throatfucking him?

Shorter Rubio:  Surround everyone and bomb everywhere with everything we have.

Rubio:  Remember that time I showed up, read a bill and (remember to choke up and look heroically into the camera)...voted?

Carson: (Fans out the alphabet)  Pick a word.  Any word.

Carson:  Some situations are very unique. All moments in time exist simultaneously in my head.

And then Trump lunged at Young Marco with a Twix bar. 

Trump:  What's with these Bush kids wanting to fight nine wars at once and losing them all?

Cruz:  Kha.  May.  Neeee.  Errybody drank!

Cruz:  I hear good things about the Hessians.  We should hire them to fight our wars for us.

Bush:  Please let me start a couple more wars.  Puhleeeeze.  Starting wars in my family is like touch football with the Kennedys and my brother is up like three to nothing.

Bush:  I am sick and tired of people reminding everybody what an abject failure my brother is.

Bush:  My mother is one of the strongest people I know.  Trump: She should run.

Yeah, it got that weird.  The Dozens weird. 

Rubio:  George Bush kept us safe.  Except for that one time.  And that other time.

This is a fucking Breitbart comment thread come to life.  And down in the mud, Trump is king.

Carson:  I have studied the middle east for 1000s of years since Joseph built the pyramids to store Jesus' Wheat Thins.

At this point the rule appears to be "Let no batshit wingnut conspiracy go unshouted".  So wow.  Also the moderators have clearly given up, put their feet up and sent out for popcorn.  

All this freak-show needs is Rand Paul streaking the stage in a Reagan mask screaming "Chemtrails Bitches!"

Cruz:  I thinks we can all agree that history began on January 20, 2009 and we shouldn't talk about anything before then.

Trump:  George Bush lied us into Iraq and then fucked it up.  

And a terrible shock runs through the audience.

Kim Strassel:  Marco Rubio, since all taxes are evil, why do you love evil taxes so much?

Rubio:  Family is awesome.  So there you go.

Kasich is in favor of not treating the poor or the mentally ill like mooching subhumans.  He's doomed.

Bush:  My mom knotted my tie wide for me so my head wouldn't look like a sad potato on a stick anymore.  Also Obamacare is pretty bad.

Bush:  I have a canned sure-fire "bazinga" line and, dang darn diddly. I'm gonna say it.

Bush: Sure, I want to raise taxes on hedge-fund managers.  They should be happy about it.  Shit, did I just say that out loud?

"America tax dollars go to subsidize abortions in Israel.  How do you feel about that?" asked no GOP Moderator ever.

Stamp those little boots, Young Marco!  Stamp 'em!

Ted Cruz brings up the Rubio/Schumer plan and Young Marco dives for the tiny bottle of H2O.  Chug it, Young Marco.  Chug it!

Cruz: Marco is a liar.  Rubio: No, you're the liar.  Cruz:  No you are.  Rubio: No, you are.  Cruz:  By the power of Limbaugh, I abjure you!  The power of crap compels you! The power of crap compels you!

Trump:  I invented immigration.   Also Jeb(!) is a wobbly little twat.

Kasich:  I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

Carson:  We have all these government "regulators" enforcing "rules".  Crazy, right?  I mean, you leave one little sponge in one little skull...

Cruz:  I love the poor.  I find them delicious.

Trump:  I would not be a dictator.  Instead,my political enemies would all just mysteriously disappear in a single night.

If they had real-time fact-checking, this fiasco would have ground to a halt and burst into flames an hour ago.

Wait, this is being held at "The Peace Center"?  Priceless!

Trump:  Ted Cruz is the lying Mayor of Liartown.

Trump:  Ted Cruz pimped John Roberts who gave us Obamacare.  Obamacare!  Thanks, Ted!

Rubio:  You want to fix poverty?  Block grant everything just like Jesus wanted.

Carson:  So many voices in my head tell me "Ben, jump up and down" but I tell those voices "No!  I will not jump up and down"

Carson:  College is impossible because Mr. Average owes the Romulans one zillion quatloos.

Kasich:  All people are the same.  Blood,  Bone.  Hair.  Skin.  A pee-pee or a hoo-ha, y'know, depending.

Trump:  I have a hot wife.   Jeb(!) setting fire to piles of special interest money will not make America great again.

Trump:  I am the only New Yorker in history who doesn't swear and you can take that to the fucking bank.  

Trump: Florida was a coke-fueled playa's paradise until Jeb(!) turned it onto reeking pest-hole.  Thanks, Dubya's brother!

I gotta  say that Jeb(!) has the indignant-church-lady-fighting-painful-hemorrhoids look down pat.

Once again everyone concurs that Imaginary Reagan was our greatest President.

Kasich:  Shine on you crazy fucking diamonds!

Carson: I like you are we the people.  Stalin said...  (No kidding)

Bush:  I will sit at a big desk,  The same desk my brother sat at.  When he fucked this country up.  Fucked it waaaay the fuck up.

Rubio:  We will begin again with one man and one woman just like the Planet of the Apes.  Also, Go Israel!

Cruz:  End Times are a'comin' bitches!  Get right with wingnut Jebus and vote for me or roast in perdition forevah! 
Trump won tonight by ripping up the vital but never-discussed Republican 12th Commandment: Except for the holy works of Imaginary Reagan, thou shalt never mention anything that happened before 2009
Or, as the GOP's most ridiculous invertebrate put it:

That's right, Reince!  Play these doomed fucks out with a happy tune in 3...2...1...


Anthony Schleizer said...

Absolutely brilliant! So happy I can read these summaries instead actually watching these nitwits.

C. C. said...

"This is a fucking Breitbart comment thread come to life. And down in the mud, Trump is king."

You nailed it. The debate would've been hilarious if it hadn't been such a sad, elementary-school-level spectacle. As always, thanks for the recap, which had me alternately laughing and SMDH.

Neo Tuxedo said...

Shorter Rubio: Surround everyone and bomb everywhere with everything we have.

Or, as one of David Rees' clip-art office workers put it, "Can't we just build a fucking bomb the size of the Earth and cut a hole out of the middle in the shape of The United States? Drop the motherfucker around us and take care of business once and for all?"

Ivory Bill Woodpecker said...

Drifty watches debates so we don't have to.

Ivory Bill Woodpecker said...

"I like you are we the people..."

If the Walrus was Paul, Carson is the Manatee.

Goo goo gah joob!

bluicebank said...

Awesome summary, Drift.

I did in fact watch the thing. And I remembered when I was a teenager that I liked Demolition Derby.

Sure it got disturbing when Trump said things that were true, but he was slamming his Cadillac beater into Jeb's Ford beater.

Also, too, Stalin. Though I would have preferred a Lenin quote, whereupon Carson remarks, "I am the walrus?"

mistah charley, ph.d. said...

i enjoyed this post very much