Thursday, January 14, 2016

At The #GOPDebate: Final Update -- You Wouldn't Believe What I've Been Through

At the kid's table I learned that Lou Dobbs hasn't been packed away to the Old Shouty Home yet, so color me surprised.

At the Main Event...

Part 1:
Ted Cruz:  Americans on their knees with hands on their heads because Barack Obama.  I will bomb the fuck out of anybody who looks at us funny.

Neal Cavuto:  Remember back when Barack Obama destroyed the economy?  That was pretty bad wasn't it?

John Kasich:  Uh...taxes.  Regulations.  Are you kiddin' me!  Hey, this guy knows what I'm talkin' about.  My name is Swingin' John Kasich and I'm here all week.

Maria Bartoromo:  Headlines are scary.  The world is on fire.  Comfort me.

Chris Christie:  Yeah, Barack Obama is a real asshole, right?   If Hillary Clinton is elected, terrorists will definitely kill you kids.  Definitely.  Obama turned the Navy into pot farms and our Air Force into lava lamps.

Neal Cavuto:  Remember back when Barack Obama fired the entire army and surrendered to evil foreigners?

Jeb Bush:  The world has been torn asunder by Barack Obama.  And Hillary is a hot mess who is on the run from the FBI.

Marco Rubio:  Hillary Clinton is disqualified from being President.  Also Benghaaaaaaazi and Barack Obama hates America and is trying to take us all down. And I'll torture anyone in a turban and a beard.

Ben Carson:  War is different now.  Barack Obama thinks people still use "Air Forces". But now we have enemies who are 20 feet tall that use photon torpedoes and shark-lasers to kill us all, which Barack Obama wants to stop by throwing your kids into their big, bitey mouth!

Donald Trump:  Bombings all ovah.  My god, the French what with their cheeses and gun control.  They also have Trojan horses.  People are looking at strong powerful men and wonder what's going on.

Ted Cruz:  The New York Times is a commie rag.  Also David Brooks is a douchebag.  I was born a poor black child.  In Canada.  So of course I had to take money under the table.   My wife has naught but a good Republican cloth coat.  And my kids had a dog. Named Checkers.  Which was delicious.
Part 2:
Cruz and Trump have a Birther punch up.   Each played to their respective peanut galleries.

Marco Rubio:  Let's get back to the important matter of Barack Obama hating America.

Maria Bartoromo:  Nikki Halley hates you.  How do you respond?

Donald Trump:  I love the Nikkster!  She's awesome.  But I am angry...because Barack Obama has ruined this country.

Neal Cavuto:  Marco Rubio, you're a weasely little punk who called Chris Christie a fat fuck.  How do you respond?

Marco Rubio:  Gun control is evil and Barack Obama wants to fund Planned Parenthood and not the army.  We're on the verge of being destroyed forever.

Chris Christie:  Marco a lying child.  I love mass shooters!.  I never supported anything.  Marco likes to run his mouth.  Marco used to love me.  I can't quit you, Mario!

Jeb Bush:  I'm not dead, Maria!  I'm not dead.  Call on me, cuz I hate Hillary too!

Ben Carson:  We need to stop tearing ourselves apart.

Maria Bartoromo:  How can a dirty commie like Bernie Sanders be up in the polls?

John Kasich:  Three guys walk into a bar.  And they're all over 50 and get fired.  And you know what, I'll do something about that.  And these kids with their rock and roll and college debt. Where's the beef Kenneth?  K thru 12 people!

Maria Bartoromo: Sex.....ual misconduct.  Did I say that sexy enough?

Ben Carson:  Is this America?  Am I even here?  There's a war on everything.  There's a price war at the Burlington Coat Factory and Internet comments are nutty!  Let's not let secular progressives who are 100% evil and to blame for everything drive us apart!
Part 3:
Maria Bartoromo: Twitter rules my world.  What about guns?

Jeb Bush: I'd like to use my life-line to invoke Jesus.  Barack Obama want's to strip your rights and leave you defenseless.  Also I've knotted my tie bigger so my head doesn't look like a rutabaga on stick.  Is it working for me?

Donald Trump:  Guns are awesome.  Moar gun are awesomer.   Barack Obama is a tyrant.

Marco Rubio:  People are stockpiling guns because Barack Obama is a tyrant and they may need to rise up against him because he is trying to confiscate every gun in America so that ISIS can kill your kids.

Neal Cavuto:  Do you have any proof that Barack Obama wants to confiscate every gun?

Marco Rubio:  Fuck "proof", Neal. These meatheads love, love, love this shit.  Amirite!

Crowd:  Bring us Barabbas!

Marco Rubio:  See?

Chris Christie:  Obama is a petulant child.  An uppity (wink) Negro (wink) child.  And we will not let him have a third term!

Ted Cruz:  I will now regurgitate 20 wingnut talking points per second.  Match that, Rubio!  Hillary Clinton will confiscate you guns AND she has a commie vagina!  I am the One True Gun Nut!

Ted Cruz:  What are "New York Values"?  I don't have to say commie pinko "Jew York Values" do I?  These hay-shakers and inbreds know what I mean, amirite!

Crowd:  Seriously!  Barabbas!  Right now!

Donald Trump:  9/11 and fuck you very much you bent little prick.

driftglass: Trump took 9/11 and stabbed Cruz right through the heart with it and Cruz's crocodile applause did not save him.  Gotta say, it was masterful.

Neal Cavuto:  Saudi Arabia sure can pump that oil.

John Kasich:  That wacky Klansman Strom Thurmond was a friend of mine.  Please don't make me go to the kiddie table.  It's bad there.  That weird preacher smells of mustard and failure and Carly Fiorina bites people.  Soviet Union.  9/11.  South America.  Yes, my family's vacation slide show is kinda horrifying!  

Part 4:
Maria Bartoromo:   Lindsay Graham is here and says "Hey girl!"

Ben Carson (waking up): Wha?  I was having an amazing dream -- million of stupid people were sending me money to pretend to run for president.  It was so cool!

Maria Bartoromo:  ISIS?

Ben Carson: You know ISIS smokes cigars in comfortable chairs in Raqqa!

driftglass:  Do you mean "Raqqa" loungers or "Barca" loungers?

Chris Christie:  Barack Obama is also the President of Russia apparently. Also Syria.  Barack Obama is also wandering the Earth snuffing out democracies.

Maria Bartoromo: You're kind of a douchbag when it comes to Muslims.  Do you feel like changing your position?

Donald Trump:  No.

Crowd:  Yay!

Donald Trump:  I have many special Muslim friends.

Jeb Bush:  Everybody be cool.  I have some notes I memorized and my money guys tell me I have to get through them.

Neal Cavuto:  Lots of people agree with Donald Trump.  Are all those people unhinged?

Jeb Bush:  No.  They're just scared and stupid.  I didn't say that out loud did I?

Donald Trump:  Police are the most mistreated people in this country.

John Kasich:  Let's go back to something I said a few minutes ago.  Everything is not the same thing.  Way to go, Ohio!

Chris Christie:  I have heard, as a former prosecutor, that Syrians may take all of our salty snacks and Lil Debbies!  And this will not stand.

Marco Rubio:  I will stand at the border and personally sniff everyone's panties.

Ted Cruz:  I will stand at the border, personally sniff everyone's panties and bomb the fuck out of everything that moves.

Ben Carson:  We can solve everything with common sense and Israel.  I was in Jordan.  I'm pretty sure it was Jordan.  To be honest, it might have been Michael Jordan's restaurant.  I get confused a lot which is why I take 174 short naps every day,  Keeps me sharp!

Donald Trump:  The New York Times is always wrong.

Trump bulldozing Neal Cavuto on China was hilarious to watch.

John Kasich:  What about the PTT, huh?  And I'm loving what Donald Trump is saying about tariffs on China.

Marco Rubio:  Tariffs are taxes and taxes suck.  Don't forget that the real Commie is Barack Obama, and the real Communist Central Committee is the EPA and Obamacare.

Jeb had a couple of points about trade, but Trump just tossed him around like a chew toy.

Ted Cruz: Barack Obama is a child so lets have a fucking Flat Tax!  It'll solve everything.  
Part 5:
Maria Bartoromo:  We're broke but we have to build roads and shit.  What's up with that?

Chris Christie:  Tax cuts will take care of it.   Also I'll mule in a ton of money for my corporate overlords.

Ben Carson:  Fair taxes.  Flat taxes.  And stop spending money.  My mother drove silent cars and had many coins.  Regulations are universally evil.  Obama is in the pocket of Big Laundry!

Donald Trump:  It's called "corporate inversion".

Maria Bartoromo:  Medicare and stuff is broke and shit.  What are we going to do?

Marco Rubio:  Reagan.  Also "Europe" ooga-booga.  And "Nancy Pelosi" ooga-booga.  But don't worry, because...Reagan!

Ted Cruz:  Washington cartel!  And I'll see your "Reagan" and raise you one Laffer Curve.

Marco Rubio:  Imaginary Future Liberal Commies will kill us all!

Chris Christie:  Shaddap Marco.  Ya blew it with all your maths and stuff.

Ben Carson:  I just woke up again and want you all to know that many reputable people still think I'm not entirely crazy.  Now...Ambien take me awaaaay! 
Part 6:
Maria Bartoromo:  Donald, you are so fucking rich.  I mean, so soooo fucking rich.  I  think I got pregnant with your Midichlorian money baby from just sitting here.

Chris Christie:  Obama hates cops.  Hates 'em.  I, on the other hand, would let anyone with a badge shoot anyone any time.  Also pot and sanctuary cities!

Neal Cavuto:  Chi-caaaa-go wants to let criminals run wild and do whatever they want. What about that?

Poor Kasich thinks talking policy is what this forum is about.

Maria Bartoromo:  Why are you in favor of kicking the door open and let the beaners in?

Marco Rubio:  Radical...jihadists!  Terrorism began two years ago.  Before that nothing happened and everything was great.

Ted Cruz:  Radical islamic terrorism was not invented 2 years ago.  The Rubio-Schumer "I Hate Murrica" Amnesty Bill helped Obama let his terrorist buddies into Murrica.

Marco Rubio:  Ted Cruz has flipped every vote he ever made and wants to be Edward Snowden's gay boyfriend.

Ted Cruz:  Marco is a big stinky liar.

driftglass: This wingnut-immigrant-on-wingnut-immigrant fighting is tearing us apart.

Jeb Bush:  Senators fighting?  Oh my stars and garters!  Grandpoppy Prescott would never have stood for such folderol!
Closing Statements:
John Kasich:  I have the power!

No you don't, John.  You really don't.

Jeb Bush:  I haz plans and very detailed files.

Chris Christie:  The State of the Union speech was a disaster and Obama is a lunatic.  I fight everyone all the time.  I'll fight anyone in this room for a dollar.  I'll fight two dogs at once.

Ben Carson:  There are many Americans in America.  We can't solve this problem with traditional solutions so visit my website.

Marco Rubio:  Free enterprise is God's favorite system.  Obama has been working for seven years to destroy this country, betray you all, and sell your kids into slavery.

Ted Cruz:  Benghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazi.  Now in 3D.

Donald Trump:  Construction workers were weeping because our President let 10 sailors be caught by those ragheads.  They were stong, sweaty, manly men and they cried in my arms.  We held each other through the night.  Also we'll win like crazy under Trump.

And now, from the amazing imagination of my awesome wife...


Alfred Lehmberg said...

This could be a transcript!

Neo Tuxedo said...

No it couldn't, Alfred. The actual debate was almost certainly not as nuanced and coherent as our host's version.

Alfred Lehmberg said...

Well played, sir, I must defer to your more penetrating analysis!

John MacCuish said...

The Driftglass Transcript is WHY they hold the debates in the first place. Amirite? The transcript turns their Dada Wat performance into something beautiful, profound, and whole.

Jason said...

*Falls over laughing
DG, some network has to hire you for play by play commentating fit these endless debates. You are a deft magical realist for reprobates.

JJG said...

Hard to be funny when the compass has gone to shit. Well done.

simon said...

Ha, that mashup made me think of this:

Fritz Strand said...

So what did you do with the other ten hours before the acid wore off? Great stuff. Keep it up.

Redhand said...

Glad I didn't have to watch this. RE "I have the power," perhaps HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA is a good metaphor for this circus, especially with the alien ape-monster at the end as as stand-in for our President.

Robt said...

I come away with two categories of candidates, from this.

1- the Zombie candidate that musters the hungry groan for brains.

2- The natural cannibalistic behavior of Arachnids.

One is a condition of choice in life. The other is derived through evolution inheritance.

Just thinking of this attracts the category #1 towards me. Well documented how to control them. A can of Raid helps me with category #2.

What is holding the back GOP from running David Duke, Denny Hastert and Wayne LaPierre?

XtopherSD said...

You just know The Donald is taking names and birthdates and looking forward to the day when these girls are legal and, well you can imagine...

Alfred Lehmberg said...

Threw you a coupla fins... This was too good not to be rewarded plus I know that there will be _more_. Now I'll go tune into Pleft, and my day will be complete... well, apart from the beer later... [g].

Kathleen O'Neill said...

We need a "Bad Lip Reading" Republican debate video. Although our host's transcripts are just as funny.

marindenver said...

I was traveling during the debate so missed it. Except after reading this I didn't miss a thing! Thanks, dg.

Cirze said...

Dg, you gotta quit dropping your pearls over these nothing burgers. (Although we, your faithful followers, love every syllable.)

I'm thinking we'll just begin our own national anti-network and accrue an audience who is looking for quality reporting/writing and will serve as the initial truth seekers endowing a new people's media (or any more modern term we can come up with signifying something truly new).

Hop over to Sardonicky when you get a free moment if you'd like another stellar hilarious take on this same subject.

I'm pretty sure she'll join our movement.

Love you guys!

George Tafelski said...

Upon further reflection "Veal Canuto" might be a nice Italian dinner.

Alfred Lehmberg said...

Verily, properly spiced and adequately tenderized he could feed a family of four for a decade, or more.

Alfred Lehmberg said...

He could light the lower boroughs of New York with the oil rendered from his cheeks alone!

n1ck said...

I love the mashup, but if I could, I think this song would be much, much better to go along with that 30s-era German song and dance.

Like every single lyric matches what Trump and Friends feel like, and what they really want to do to the entire species.