Monday, November 09, 2015

World Gone Mad

Having watched the video below, I now believe there is at least a 28% chance that I am presently in the grip of an awesome acid flashback or Coleridgian opium-dream in which Blue Gal and I suddenly find ourselves on national teevee for ten minutes and permitted to just cut loose Professional Left-style.

There is, however, a catch.

In this supremely vivid hallucination, the clever djinn who granted us this boon has attached one condition:  neither Blue Gal nor I will be allowed to appear on the teevee machine as ourselves. Instead must deliver our Dirty Hippie jeremiad about pathologically lying Conservatives and the complicit Beltway media which enables them through the mortal forms of three of the most consistently horrid creatures on MSNBC: Nicole Wallace, Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough.  

And this is what it would look like:

Scarborough: Ben Carson is the lyingest liar evar. Ev------ar!

Wallace: Oh Jesus Sodium Thiopental Christ, yes.  Have you ever seen such a lying liar? He lies like my dog licks its balls, which is to say continually. I mean, pyramids? Are you fucking kidding me? If he was a teevee show, he'd be "How I Lied To Your Mother".

Scarborough: I know I know I know, right? If he was a board game, he'd be Monopolie. If he was a state, he'd be, like, Lie-Skeezy-Anna.

Wallace: And the media? Don't get me started on the media! I mean, c'mon guys how hard is it to just do yout fucking job and call out Ben Carson for lying when he lies to you.

(Apparently the memo that it was time to take Carson down had not reached, the pile of servo-motors, crap software and Hate Radio talking points knows as "Mark Halperin" because this was the point at which the Halperin-bot started going bug-eyed.)

Scarborough: Really. The media are such pussies. They just sit there and let this lying liar lie to them and say nothing. If they were a teevee show they'd be "How I Met Your Mother And She Beat The Piss Out Of Me Because I'm Such A Pusillanimous Twit".

Wallace: Where did you learn the word "pusillanimous" anyway?

Scarborough: From driftglass.  This is his hallucination.

Wallace: Ah.

(The Halperin-bot then fills his pants with whatever it is that 'bots excrete when they're terrified and your 'umble scrivener begins pounding his head on his desk because obviously this cannot really be happening.)

Halperin-bot:  But... But...  What.  Is.  Truth.  Anyway?

Wallace: Are you out of your tiny, robot mind?

Halperin-bot:  Sure.  There.  Were. Some.  Factual.  Inaccuracies.  But...  But...

Brzezinski:  What the hell, Halperin-bot?  Do you have an interview with Carson lined up or something?  Are you his booooyfriend?

(My desk is in splinters now, so I have begun pounding my head on the planet's crust, which begins to give way.  Meanwhile, the Halperin-bot find itself trapped between two, contradictory directives: obedience to his host and kissing Republican ass.)

Halperin-bot:  Just a moment.  Just a moment...

Wallace: Yeah, Halperin-bot, I checked you out on Twitter and it's like you want to have Ben Carson's liar-babies or something!

Halperin-bot:  Just... Just...

Brzezinski:  If Halperin-bot were a teevee show I bet he'd be called "How I Met Ben Carson's Mother And Asked Her If I Could Marry Ben Carson".

This went on until, inevitably, the Halperin-bot...

After which, Squint Scarborough went out of his way to beat Hugh Hewitt like a rented mule's albino step-child (h/t Crooks and Liars):

Sure, Wallace carries water for Jeb!  And Scarborough pals around with Chris Christie and Donald Trump.  And I'm certain that designated-punching-bag Mika was just glad that someone besides her was getting verbally punched around, so it's not totally surprising to see them team up to go full-Bushwhackers on Mental Ben.   But watching a panel of Republican hacks and compliant media enabler go this ballistic over Republicans hackery and media complicity had a genuinely surreal beauty all its own.

Which was only slightly tempered by the sure and certain knowledge that all of it will be bulldozed straight down the media's Sarlacc-pit Memory Hole by the end of the week.


waldo said...

Repuglycans Reservoir Dogs' time of reckoning played out on screen for DG's gratification. Like.

Sandman said...

Shorter GOP apologists' explanation: "We don't care that Carson is a total liar, and neither will the idiots who will vote for him."

Sandman said...

Also, Halperin and the guy sitting next to him both have the creepy, empty stare of members of an alien death cult. Wow.

Robt said...

J Scar and Mika in the morning after just love them some Koch.
Yet the evil George Soros and his money is an entirely different sinful matter that will end life as we know it?

Just received my Soros check and felt so wonderfully compelled by his benevolence and awe to tell you how he just wants America to be more like North Korea.
Because Poverty and loss of democracy goes better with Koch.