Here is what you missed by having the good sense to not watch the Republican Candidates dress up in Reagan-face and try to steal tater tots off each other's tray in the wingnut cafeteria, as they came off my keyboard in real-time and tidied up a little for posterity...
Every cable news channel treating pre-GOP debate yadda yadda like a moon shot.
GOP house-plant JC Watts drops the first giant Both Siderist turd of the night. And of course, no follow-up from Chris Matthews. JC Watts: It's shameful that the GOP let Trump get away with racist birther crap five yrs ago...but Democrats do it toooo!
George Pataki is on fire! Wait. Not "on fire". What's the phrase? Oh yeah. "Do-not-resuscitate".
Bobby Jindal: Socialism! Baby Parts! Blood! And my tiny bird hands, grasping... grasping...
Lindsey Graham: I don't git mah foreign policy from the teeevee machine. Except fer "Evening Shade". Also "One Tree Hill" was purdy good. What was the question agin?
"Fantastic 4 Halloween Costume" is an odd wardrobe choice for Carly Fiorina, but I've never herded demon sheep, so what do I know?
Moderator Jake Tapper: Whose fingers on the nuclear codes. "Fingers on the nuclear codes"? Repeated twice? Really? Take the compiler to DefCon Two!
Jeb!: There is not a single place where we are better of than we were six years ago.
You're right Jeb! There are dozens of ways in which we are vastly better off than we were when your dry-drunk idiot brother and his ghoul-regent were destroying this country.
Scotty Walker: "Just because he says it doesn't mean it's true." Wow. Big balls on Scotty attacking the Fox News business model like that. And Jeb! gives Scott Walker a cookie and scratches him behind the ears. Good attack poodle!
Trump just pwned Jeb. Very sad. And hilarious. What's a word that is smack in the middle of those two words?
So Carly Fiorina is in favor of Hope. And Change. Interesting!
Carly promises not to call Putin back until he stops going out with other countries.
So far, this is the Worst. Face-Off. Episode. Ever.
Failgunner Ted Cruz: Obama wants to sell us into slavery to the UN! Our golfs! He's after our golfs!
Rand Paul: What about...Reagan?!?! Huh? Huh? No one could have seen that coming.
Jeb!: We should counter-cyberattack China. I hear that Mr. Robot guy is good.
Huckster: Western Civilization is dooooomed! Which is why you should buy my Diabetes Solution Kit.
Rubio really shouldn't talk about "pricks". Really.
As usual, Rand Paul get one thing right. And then comes the crazy.
Huckabee says the Supreme Court can pound sand. I'm sure President Gore appreciates his support.
Jeb!: I am now pro-Hillbilly Sharia. What I said before? Fuggedaboudit!
Kasich: I hate women with the best of them, but shutting down the gummint over it is nutty. I really believe we can find a better way the screw woman over.
Christie: Hillary murders babies for money...just like Vince Foster!
Carly lands a punch. “I think women all over this country heard what Mr. Trump said.”
Jeb! claims he wants to take the "Reagan Approach" to immigration. Really? Amnesty? Really?
I dare you to ask Jeb! about Terri Schiavo. I double dog dare you!
Rubio: Before he died, my sainted grandfather told me in Spanish, "Nieto, always remember to cram your stump speech in sideways at every opportunity."
Carson: Taking a billion dollars from "that guy" is America. But taking a billion and one dollars from that guy is Socialism.
Take Note -- the #1 question lead-in all night was "Donald Trump said...". That tells anyone who is paying attention who owns this battlespace.
Scotty: The minimum wage prevents companies from paying people more than the minimum wage. Or something.
Carson: We need two minimum wages because I don't understand what the word "minimum" means.
Rand Paul: And here comes the crazy...
Moderator Hugh Hewitt: Clinton sucks and you're all awesome. Discuss!
Trump: Arab names? Jesus, who can figure that shit out.
Rubio: Sure I missed a lot of votes. Why? Because I love America you miserable asshole.
Jeb!: I'm my own man. I am merely advised by my brother's team of blood-drunk neocon idiots.
And then Trump pulled out a bear trap and Jeb! obliged by diving into it face first.
Jeb!: The Status of Forces Agreement that got troops out of Iraq was stupid because I have no recollection of who negotiated and signed that agreement and nothing that happened before 2009 counts.
Carson: I remember putting on Johnny Mathis, slipping into a hot bath and wishing very hard not to go into Iraq. I just wanted that on the record.
And then... 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.
Carson: Our air force cannot do what they used to do a few years ago because Obama repealed the laws of aerodynamics. Bastard!
Walker: To be clear, what I said the other day does not count because yesterday-stuff is stupid and Socialist.
Remember back in 2004 when both Cheney & Dubya swore we were spending billions of American tax dollars training the shit out everybody in Iraq? Because no one on-stage or asking questions does.
Cruz: John Roberts is history's greatest monster! Sure I voted to confirm him but...
Huckabee: My Supreme Court nominees damn well better believe that zygotes have the inalienable right to pack machine guns just like Jesus wanted!
Jake Tapper: Question for the whole panel. Catheter, Depends or are you just holding it?
Bush: Sure, forty years ago I smoked pot. Then I put on "Careful With That Axe, Eugene", freaked the fuck out and became a Republican.
Rubio: All laws are futile. Bring on The Purge, bitches!
Rubio: Climate change is a left-wing plot to destroy America. Also car crashes are not caused by people and seat belts are a crazy left-wing scheme to destroy the auto industry.
Christie: Climate change is wild left wing flapdoodle.
Cruz: As your president, I promise to instigate and win World Wars III, IV, V and VI !
Huckabee: Why don't we at least try to cure diseases? Huh? Huh? (Sorry, Huckster. No viruses in the Bible.)
Rand Paul: Like Reagan, I would only go to war legally and with Congressional approval. Wait, did I say "Reagan"? I meant FDR.
Carson: Free phones destabilize Murrica in the world. Also other things.
Walker: We need to live in an America where people are not terrorized by teachers and cops and the minimum wage.
Carly: I believe in cosplaying. As Lady Liberty. With a sword. Yeah.
You're soaking in it.Drudge asks who won: Trumpy 58.3% Fiorina 15.9% Cruz 5.9% Paul 5.3% Rubio 5% Carson 4.5% Bush 1.2% Kasich 1.2% Christie 1.2% Walker 0.8%— Howie Klein (@downwithtyranny) September 17, 2015