Friday, July 31, 2009

When Harry Met Crazy

"...and that’s how the Muslims and Socialists plan to use the Negroes to destroy Christian America.”

Once upon a time, millions of Americans -- drunk on the promise of ouchless prosperity and a McMansion in the exburbs of that Shining City on a Hill -- jumped into bed with an ex-B-movie actor.

It was gonna be sooo awesome!

When they woke up the next day, the actor, the City and the promises of mountains of pirate gold were all long gone. Instead they found themselves in a sticky day-bed in a shitty motel room, snuggling with Glenn Beck.

Horrified, broke and covered with sores and lice, they all immediately wanted to know the same thing: How can I blame this on the Liberals?

From HuffPo:

New Poll: Less Than Half Of Republicans Believe Obama Was Born In U.S.

Less than half of Republicans believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States of America, a new public opinion poll finds.

Only 42 percent of Republican respondents in a Research 2000 survey, conducted for the liberal website Daily Kos, said they thought Obama was a natural born citizen; 28 percent said they did not believe Obama was born in the United States; 30 percent said they were not sure.

The responses, which were gathered after several prominent conservative media personalities fed suspicion that Obama was unconstitutionally holding office, show the extent to which the conspiracy has taken hold in the GOP.

That only a plurality of Republicans were willing to acknowledge the president was born in America is nothing short of astounding, considering the preponderance of evidence that confirms his Hawaiian birth.

There is something freakishly reassuring in the childlike dementia of the "28%-ers"; that hardcore Conservative base on which the economic viability of Hate Radio and virtually every GOP electoral victory completely depends, and which the GOP would rather pull its own head off rather than admit exists.

For all of the ridiculous, provincial and bigoted drivel they believe with all their heart, the crazies that run the Party of Lincoln also have the refreshingly brazen honesty of saints and sociopaths. If you walked in on one of the 27%ers fucking the family dog, far from denying it, they'd brag about it. In fact they'd call you a dirty Socialist for not getting in on all the patriotic dog-fucking fun.

They are a straight-up cultural dead loss.

Most rest of what is left of the Conservative movement -- the weasely invertebrate wing of the Party -- are a little different. Bust in on them in the middle of a special, man-dog-love moment and they will:
  • Frantically deny it was happening at all.
  • Blame “the Liberal Media”.
  • Swear that, however degenerate their behavior, the Imaginary Liberals who live in their head are far, far worse.

These are the Master Race-lite clowns who were perfectly happy to ride in the political carpool lane with the 27%ers as long as they got their tax cuts and got to blame everything from their little dicks to their hammer toe on the Evil Gummint and/or liberals…but who always sat near the exits at the Konservative Kristian Kulture rallies where they could scamper out the door once the cross burnings began and pretend they had just stumbled into the wrong venue while looking for the Josh Groban concert.

Of course in the end, they’re all nasty little pet-fuckers. It’s just that by their choice of punctuation --
“Obama is not a real American!”
“Obama is not a real American?”

-- you can tell whether or not they have the guts to march in the parade, of just cheer from the safety of the bleachers.


mymatedave said...

Wow. For all that I miss out on not living in America, at least here in England the right wing conservatives are simple, easy to understand and most important of all, (mostly) sane.

They may be greedy, heartless bastards but they're restrained by the holy shackles of tradition. Politics and politicians are thankfully boring.

knowdoubt said...

That pretty well sums it up, the party of doom is what they are. The world can't afford their bullshit.

drumwolf said...

"...and that’s how the Muslims and Socialists plan to use the Negroes to destroy Christian America.

Drifty, you left one thing out. It should be "the Negroes and Messkins."

Connecticut Man1 said...

I agree with Tengrain. This is the best post I have read today.

Distributorcap said...

remember these "birthers" which include Congressmen like Roy Blunt and "journalists" like Lou Dobbs (i get shudders typing his name) are the same people who went bonkers when the military records of their dear Leader, the sainted George Bush were questioned

equa yona(Big Bear) said...

What a crappy thing to do to poor Billy Crystal!

libhom said...

One of the ironies here is that Obama is no liberal. He is a center right Democrat.

lostnacfgop said...

whadya expect from a guy who spent his thirties sniffing the crotches of the "returns" pile at his local "Frederick's of Provo" outlet?

ThePoliticalCat said...

So, essentially, what the poll is saying is, something between 10 and 14 per cent of the population believes this conspiracy theory which has been repeatedly and massively refuted? Wouldn't that be about the same number (and calibre) of people who believe they've been anally probed by aliens? Or any of the other truly nutzoid conspiracy theories out there (Illuminati, Freemasons, brain-eating zombies, take your pick)?

fahrender said...

the piece de resistance about that image is Beck's mullet ....

Gay Veteran said...

"...and that’s how the Muslims and Socialists plan to use the Negroes to destroy Christian America."

b-b-but what about Teh Gays?

Anonymous said...

Oh, gee. That's SO creepy.

I think Glenn Beck's brain has been fried by all those years of coke and booze (just like Bush's). He's so paranoid, it's pathetic.

Why do all these conservatards have bunker mentalities? Maybe they should seek help.

Terry C, Godless Liberal

Bustednuckles said...

First of all, yer comments are fucked up on the main page, I know you have been working on that, get a bigger hammer.
Second, I fucking love you man.

They are a straight-up cultural dead loss."