Saturday, May 19, 2007

When this is the headline

The parody just writes itself.

There is the legit story…

Scientists Try to Lure Whales to Ocean

WEST SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Biologists tried unsuccessfully Thursday to use recorded siren songs of humpback whales to lure an injured female and her wounded calf from a shipping channel and back toward the Pacific Ocean 90 miles away…

And then there's what came gushing out of my temporal lobes about five seconds after I read it…

Candidates try to lure voters to GOP

WEST SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Party of God candidates tried unsuccessfully Thursday to use recorded siren songs of Saint Ronald Reagan to lure dimwitted, xenophobic voters up off their huge asses and back toward Republican Party voting rolls.

However when the candidates played the Gipper recordings from the stage of the Republican Party debate, all but the 27% swam away from the sound rather than toward it.

Hours later, the voters were still running like hell from the Party of Feckless O’Drydrunk and his Evil Regent, where they have been for the last two years. Party propagandists then decided to turn the crazy up even louder, believing the background noise of Realty laughing its ass off at the “War is Peacenick” imbeciles running in ever-tightening circles and screaming their heads off like a legion of crack-rabid, one-legged midgets may have interfered with the soothing pings and whistles of Saint Ronnie’s recorded mating call.

The voters have in the past migrated back to the GOP camp after repeated, breathless announcements about the “Mission” being “Accomplished”, various corners being turned, the insurgency being in its last throes, and dire warnings that anyone who didn’t clap loud enough for Dubya’s dying Tinkerbellicose was a traitor...but have now turned back and continued their inexorable progression the hell away from this Party of loser, liars and cowards.

It could take month to get the voters whipped back into the fearfully obedient crouch where they belong, spin doctors said. Still, hundreds of poo-flingers lined the rim of the Saint Ronnie Reagan Salad Toss to watch the progress.

The procedure worked in 2004 with “moderates” that wandered away the GOP Freak Show before being terrorize back into silent consent.

But Party said the latest situation is more complicated: It involves multiple, humiliating outrages against the Constitution rather than a single, monstrous fuckup that can be muted with enough lies and Mealworm Media dropping slathered over it. Also aspects of the Bush Clusterfuck hit much closer to home and with much greater frequency than the goings on in faraway Iraq.

The loss of One Party control over the entire government adds another dimension, because observers note that over the last six year the GOP has developed what they refer to as “Chronic Oversight Immunodeficiency Disorder” and no longer know how to cope with a Congress that demands that they actually be hel accountable for their behavior.

"In the past, it was just the war and you could lie convincingly enough in enough venues to squeak past. It was like trying to spin dogshit into gold; difficult but possible,” said a fictional GOP mole-rat groomer whose name just happens to be Frank Luntz. “Now the entire Party and Movement has imploded and is hemorrhaging stoopid everywhere. It’s Iraq, of course, which has gone so completely south that there is no way to cover up the massive fraud and failure of it anymore.

“But now it’s also Katrina. And Dubai ports. Illegal domestic spying. Torture. Attorney General scandals growing faster than yeast in Paris Hilton’s cooter. Massive voter fraud. Jack Abramoff. The disappearance of billions and billions and billions of reconstruction dollars down the Iraq rabbit hole. Valerie Plame. Terri Schiavo.

“Now the only thing than knocks a huge, stinking Republican scandal off the front page is another, huger, stinkier Republican scandal.

“Now we’d be thrilled is we could spin this hatful of Hantavirus into dogshit.”


cieran said...

The GOP faithful wish for the second coming of St. Ronnie, but what they misunderstand about Reagan is that it wasn't his right-wing policies that drew swing voters -- it was his sunny Morning-in-America optimism.

Such optimism can be found aplenty in the current candidates, but only in those of the Democratic persuasion, e.g., Obama and Edwards. But that irony is lost on the members of the GOP base (and apparently, on the mainstream media as well).

(and speaking of irony, note that in your most-excellent image of GOP heads-up-arses, the background landscape lies within sight of those respective Sacramento offices where both Reagan and Limbaugh first went public with their stupid schticks. How appropriate...)

Gentlewoman said...

Tinkerbellicose may be one of your best ones ever, driftglass.

I would have laughed more, but this and the previous post made me too sad, like so many things lately.

However, even here in reddest Dumbfuckistan (SW MO), signs of hope: On an apartment door in my building (in which nearly all the doors have a 'Support Our roops ribbon or an American flag), a sign saying, 'Support Our Troops--Bring Them Home.'

And no one has torn it down or defaced it.

lostnacfgop said...

a fictional GOP mole-rat groomer whose name just happens to be Frank Luntz.

Okay, drifty, gentlewoman's got a point, but this one cracked me up - especially after watching ol moonface himself get verbally shotgunned on Maher's show two Fridays back.