Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Begun, this Clown War has

Due to this entirely predictable leap into the season’s favorite Lee Press-On Outrage (“Instant Indignation at prices the whole Christian Family can afford!”) – the terrible, tragic and entirely imaginary War on Christmas -- by Jebus’ Personal Very Favoritest Senator in the Whole Wide World – Sam “I Am” Brownback (go read the whole of it at Pandagon here) (and a hearty h/t to Mike, The Mad Biologist here)--

Republican presidential hopeful Sen. Sam Brownback joined with other lawmakers and religious leaders Thursday in urging Christians to display nativity scenes on public property to remind America that “the birth of Jesus … is the reason for the season.”

“Christmas is making a comeback,” the Kansas senator declared at a news conference at the steps of the U.S. Capitol, where Christian leaders had erected a temporary nativity scene to kick off a national “Nativity Project.”

“It’s okay to talk about the birth of Jesus at Christmas,” Brownback said. “We need to have these expressions of religion … It’s important for America.”

…They urged Christians to apply for permits to display nativity scenes on public property in their towns Dec. 19-22. Mahoney said his group had obtained a permit from U.S. Capitol Police to display their nativity - which included three wise men, a shepherd, Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus - during the news conference as a way to show supporters that it can be done.


His exploratory campaign is less than a week old, but Brownback has already demonstrated that he has the toughness and resolve necessary to defend this nation from its enemies - such as those who seek to destroy Christmas, whether they actually exist or not.

Mean’s, like it or not, I am morally obligated to revive this cautionary tale from last year's War to End All Wars on Christmas. The story of a Jolly Old Elf gone mad, and the Dirty Liberal who had to be dispatched to take him out.

So as the day approaches…

My mission is to make it up to the North Pole before the 25th.

There's a Jolly Old Elf up there who's gone insane.

I'm supposed to kill him."

Then, later...
Evil Liberal: "Who are all these people?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Yeah, well... They think you have come to take him
away. I hope that isn't true."

Evil Liberal: "Take who away ?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Him. Saint Nick. The Big Elf. These are all his Helpers, as far as you can see."

Evil Liberal: "Could we, uh, talk to Saint Nick?"

Bill O’Reilly: "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Saint. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a elf-toymaker in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you.

And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you on his lap, and he'll say do you know that “ant” is the middle word in Santa? If you can know who has been naughty and who as been nice when all about you are getting shitty toys and socks and blaming it on you…if you can trust your elves when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little elf, I'm a little elf, he's, he's The Claus, man.

I should have been a bag of remaindered WalMart Barbies being sold out the trunk of an El Dorado on a dead-drunk Sunday Morning on Maxwell Street -- I mean --

And finally, in a cacophony of “Jingle Bells” and “Good King Wenceslas” and “Here We Go A-Wassailing” (and other affordable, public-domain Christmas tunes, seeing as how we have gone monstrously over-budget) comes the tragic denouement.
The ho-ho-horror.

The ho-ho-horror.


Punkster said...

I saw something in a front yard last night that literally made me burst out laughing, driving along in my car, alone. There was the Nativity tableau, all in highest quality vaccuum formed plastic, internally illuminated , gathered around the manger, staring adoringly at the tiny, internally illuminated baby Jesus, and there, too was Santa, staring adoringly along with them. I guess that is called covering all of your bases!

Charles2 said...

Playing to the base. Who would have ever thought the Rethugs would do such a thing?


Punkster, I can do one better on your Santa in the Manger story. I saw a similar display out here in the hinterlands of Western NY where the whole Peanuts gang was gathered reverently around the manger scene.

Infrogmation said...

Manger scenes? Here's one from New Orleans:

FEMA Navidad.

sightunseen said...

So,,here I was,, sending stuff off to work,,not much going on 'cept the ordinary (which is what kills ya) and then here comes this piece, ' I mean,,, he's The Claus, man'.

So now I'm fucking laughing, turning up the tunes,, and the day,suddenly, don't look so worn out.

Thanks again, Mr. Glass.

leigh said...

Charles, I'd go with the Peanuts gang in my manger scene. How about Cindy Lou Who?

arghous said...

I love the smell of egg nog Christmas morning.

herdottiness said...

This is soooooo brilliant! Thank you.

The best nativity scene I saw was on the front cover of some terrible catalog of absolutely useless crap to send to some absolutely useless people. It was a CAT NATIVITY! complete with a little kitty in a manger. (1 kitten?? That queen was sick!) The Joseph cat even had a walking stick, so you knew it was Joseph, although how the kitty would use it was beyond me.

Laughed my ass off.

I'm waiting for the Bush nativity collection, with W naked, and Colin Powell as the black "wise man." Or maybe it will be Steele?

driftglass said...

You're welcome.

seudo said...

-Did they tell you why they wanted to... secularize my holiday?

-They said that you had gone... totally insane, and that your presents were... inappropriate.

-Are my presents... inappropriate?

-I didn't get... any presents at all. Sir.

And then:

-Are you a liberal?

-I'm a progressive. Sir.

-You're neither. You're a stockboy, sent by department stores to put up the tinsel!