Due to this entirely predictable leap into the season’s favorite Lee Press-On Outrage (“Instant Indignation at prices the whole Christian Family can afford!”) – the terrible, tragic and entirely imaginary War on Christmas -- by Jebus’ Personal Very Favoritest Senator in the Whole Wide World – Sam “I Am” Brownback (go read the whole of it at Pandagon here) (and a hearty h/t to Mike, The Mad Biologist here)--
Republican presidential hopeful Sen. Sam Brownback joined with other lawmakers and religious leaders Thursday in urging Christians to display nativity scenes on public property to remind America that “the birth of Jesus … is the reason for the season.”
“Christmas is making a comeback,” the Kansas senator declared at a news conference at the steps of the U.S. Capitol, where Christian leaders had erected a temporary nativity scene to kick off a national “Nativity Project.”
“It’s okay to talk about the birth of Jesus at Christmas,” Brownback said. “We need to have these expressions of religion … It’s important for America.”
…They urged Christians to apply for permits to display nativity scenes on public property in their towns Dec. 19-22. Mahoney said his group had obtained a permit from U.S. Capitol Police to display their nativity - which included three wise men, a shepherd, Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus - during the news conference as a way to show supporters that it can be done.
His exploratory campaign is less than a week old, but Brownback has already demonstrated that he has the toughness and resolve necessary to defend this nation from its enemies - such as those who seek to destroy Christmas, whether they actually exist or not.
Mean’s, like it or not, I am morally obligated to revive this cautionary tale from last year's War to End All Wars on Christmas. The story of a Jolly Old Elf gone mad, and the Dirty Liberal who had to be dispatched to take him out.
So as the day approaches…
My mission is to make it up to the North Pole before the 25th.
There's a Jolly Old Elf up there who's gone insane.
I'm supposed to kill him."
Evil Liberal: "Who are all these people?"
Bill O’Reilly: "Yeah, well... They think you have come to take him
away. I hope that isn't true."
Evil Liberal: "Take who away ?"
Bill O’Reilly: "Him. Saint Nick. The Big Elf. These are all his Helpers, as far as you can see."
Evil Liberal: "Could we, uh, talk to Saint Nick?"
Bill O’Reilly: "Hey, man, you don't talk to the Saint. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a elf-toymaker in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say hello to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you.
And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you on his lap, and he'll say do you know that “ant” is the middle word in Santa? If you can know who has been naughty and who as been nice when all about you are getting shitty toys and socks and blaming it on you…if you can trust your elves when all men doubt you -- I mean I'm no, I can't -- I'm a little elf, I'm a little elf, he's, he's The Claus, man.
I should have been a bag of remaindered WalMart Barbies being sold out the trunk of an El Dorado on a dead-drunk Sunday Morning on Maxwell Street -- I mean --
And finally, in a cacophony of “Jingle Bells” and “Good King Wenceslas” and “Here We Go A-Wassailing” (and other affordable, public-domain Christmas tunes, seeing as how we have gone monstrously over-budget) comes the tragic denouement.