Tuesday, March 07, 2017

The Ongoing Sad Bastard Divorce Chronicles of David Brooks



For 20 years, David Brooks was one of the John Henrys of the American Conservative movement:
John Henry was a railroad man,
He worked from six 'till five,
"Raise 'em up bullies and let 'em drop down,
I'll beat you to the bottom or die."
Swinging that hammer and laying track for the Republican Party faster than damn near any man alive!
John Henry said to his captain:
"You are nothing but a common man,
Before that steam drill shall beat me down,
I'll die with my hammer in my hand."
For 20 years he swung that hammer and laid that track right over every Dirty Hippies who tried warn him where that track was leading, and what kind of Hell was roaring down it.  But Mr. David Brooks of The New York Times ignored the pesky Liberals and their wild nonsense, and went on laying that track, straight and true, because swinging that hammer and laying that track for the Republican Party was his True Calling:
John Henry said to the Hippies:
"You must listen to my call,
Before those Liberals beat me down,
I'll jar these mountains till they fall."

And now that Day-Glo fascism has come a'rumblin' down those very tracks, hauling the entire Republian Party behind it, Mr. Brooks has decided that he very much no longer wants to be in the steel-drivin' business.*

Better yet, he'd very much appreciate it if everyone would agree to completely forget that he was ever in the steel-drivin' business.  That literally the only reason he has a column-for-life at The New York Times, and a gig on PBS, and a gig on NPR, and a gig on "Meet the Press" and a permanent invite to TED Talks and Aspen Institutes and Davos gathering and college lecture from now until the end of time is precisely because he spent his entire adult life swinging that hammer and laying that track for the Republican Party.

So instead of steel-drivin' and railroadin', Mr. David Brooks would like to get back to the important topic of...

...Romance!

Which brings us to the latest chapter in the The Ongoing Sad Bastard Divorce Chronicles of David Brooks.

Which you can skip completely because I'm going to condense it for you...

right....

now...
What Romantic Regime Are You In?

Polina Aronson spent her first 16 years in Russia...

But when she was in high school, Aronson moved to America, and stumbled across an issue of Seventeen magazine...

Aronson concluded that she had moved from the Russian Regime of Fate to the American Regime of Choice...

The Regime of Choice encourages a certain worldly pragmatism. It nurtures emotionally cool, semi-isolated individuals...

The dating market becomes a true market, where people carefully appraise each other, looking for red flags...

Even those of us who have had humbling experiences in this realm can look at those who seem to have this lifelong thing figured out and see a different set of attitudes and presuppositions, which you might call a Regime of Covenants...

The Regime of Covenants acknowledges the fact that we don’t really choose our most important attachments the way you choose a toaster...
There.  All done!  Enjoy the rest of your day and don't forget that thank Mr. David Brooks of The New York Times -- who gets paid real money to write stuff like this year after year after year -- for working so tirelessly for so many years swinging the hammer and laying track that delivered Il Douche into the White House.


*Thanks for the catch

8 comments:

D. said...

1. You may have omitted a "no" in the sentence "And now that Day-Glo fascism has come a'rumblin' down those very tracks, hauling the entire Republian Party behind it, Mr. Brooks has decided that very much longer wants to be in the steel-drivin' business. "

2. I am imagining his letter to Dear Abby. It needs severe editing.

Habitat Vic said...

Speaking of the Sad Bastard's divorce, I wonder if he has been spurned by that 30yo research assistant (Anne Snyder) that set gossips' tongues a wagging a couple of years ago. Quick Google check and it seems that the much younger, evangelical Anne has left the NY Times and moved to Houston.

Bonus irony points: the affair supposedly happened while she was helping DFB write his book "The Road to Character." Of course.

I picture Brooks drinking heavily and mumbling those words of Plato*

Tempted by the fruit of another,
tempted but the truth is discovered,
What's been going on, now that you have gone.
There's no other...

* words known well to toney heart-broken scholarly pundits (and strippers across the USA).

Unknown said...

WHAT??

Lit3Bolt said...

Loving it, driftglass.

Dunno who you would use this for...but maybe do a Gladiator photoshop of Brooks or Todd or some sort of TV Meatpuppet. Tagline: "Are you not infotained?"

Kevin Holsinger said...

Good evening, Mr. Glass.

"What Romantic Regime Are You In?"

This is the kind of thing that shows up every third-or-so post on my Facebook feed. "What animal are you?" "What character from...I don't know...Happy Days are you?" That sort of thing.

Ask your badass wife. She uses that site more than you do.

Be seeing you.

Robt said...

I figure Trump and brooks ( well Paul Ryan et al) are all competing for copyright usage of this YouTube 1 min clip,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCcdr4O-3gE

To explore the innermost nether regions of Brooks's "Inner Limits".

When a diversion is essential Brooks educates us on his sorrowful life. Trump returns to calling to investigate Obama's birth. Ryan rereads an Ayn Rand Bible. Brooks suffrage to payday tortures those who dare read his (achem) opinion.

Brooks seems to be in a poor mental place. You know what he needs?
To get out there and find a cabby and ask him about the essentials of life for us all and he can then come back rejuvenated to write with zest and gusto. A new column.

He is in my book, an exemplary example of life under the Conservative ideology.

bluicebank said...

You're such a sad man, David.

"The dating market becomes a true market, where people carefully appraise each other, looking for red flags."
-- Uh, no. The red flags show up much later in the relationship. Just ask your ex-wife.

"Even those of us who have had humbling experiences in this realm can look at those who seem to have this lifelong thing figured out and see a different set of attitudes and presuppositions, which you might call a Regime of Covenants."
-- Is that what the playas today are using, a "regime of covenants"?

Brooks concludes: "The deepest joy sneaks in the back door when you are surrendering to some sacred promise."

ha ha ha. I've been called a lot of things when sneaking in the back door, but never that. ;)

Robt said...

Wait just a minute,

Paul Ryan is a sad man.........

Or is it Mitch McConnell or Bannon or Flynn or Sessions.

I guess there is a lot of sadness and sorrow going around.