Sunday Morning Comin' Down

Stupid and Contagious

As I do every day, today I waited patiently and in a sweet and even-temper for the "Party of Personal Responsibility" to call off their plan to put on funny hats, call themselves "The Tea Party" and pretend that history began on January 20, 2009 and instead take even the smallest portion of personal responsibility for their catastrophically reckless and lethal behavior over last 40 years.

As I waited, availed myself of the available political teevee cuisine.

It was very confusing.

On "This Week..." I did not know what to make of a "Town Hall" meeting where no mobs of rage-tweaked white people bellow about Death Panels, wave copies of Birth Certificates or brandish weapons.

It was like a Presidential address...without Joe Wilson screaming "You Lie"...or Sam Alito twitching around in his seat with an expression on his face that said he had just shit a beehive.

Weird.

Elsewhere (on a show inexplicably called "Meet the Press" even though it has featured no respectable member of Fourth Estate for years) Senators Chuck Schumer and Tom Coburn let it be known that they would be anti-opposite-common-law temporary married at the next all-school assembly

or something.

To be honest, I'm not sure I got it right: based on the bare facts, it sounded they agreed to sit next to each other for a couple of hours during 2011 and not stab each other in the leg with forks, but based on the excited coverage of it, I assume I must have missed something crucial, astro-nuptial nuance.

After their Exciting Announcement, instead of interceding like a good Life Partner and saving Coburn from making a complete ass of himself on national teevee, Schumer instead sat back let Coburn squirm and lie badly and generally look like a mountain of ass.

Shorter Coburn: Predicting anything is impossible. Preventing anything is impossible. No action of any kind should ever be taken until after something horrific happens, and then the only people who should ever be apportioned any share of responsibility are those who personally pull the literal or figurative trigger (Offer void when Republicans torture people, shred the Constitution, lie America into invading the wrong country....when the bad thing has anything to do with Wall Street...or when the bad thing is suspected-Muslim-adjacent.)

A selfish lover, that Chuck Schumer.

Also on "Meet the Press", the two greatest living Americans-who-are-not-sports-millionaires-or-reality-teevee-stars -- David Brooks and Peggy Noonan -- finally appeared in public together, dispelling once and for all that the rumors that they are the same person.

Brooks: There will never be any progress on gun control, but Obama gave a great speech. We have to change out behavior...by doing stuff everyone can agree on. Like tax cuts!


Noonan: Obama took the air out of finger pointing and blame-gaming. It all gets too hot out there. If we just stick to the facts.

David Gregory then read a quote from John McCain saying that that now that he has won re-election everybody should be more civil and polite, After which everyone high-fived their favorite Fake Maverick in absentia for finally saying something that wasn't 100% mean, false, vicious and dickish.

USA!USA!


Noonan: Someone on a comment thread on a blog said a bad thing. And then a worse thing. Hetting everybody up. Its all so crazy! And, yes, I would love another bucket of that refreshing breakfast wine!


Brooks: Reagan initiated a bi-partisan policy of dumping the mentally ill into the street. Ayn Rand told him to, but everyone is to blame. Turns out that wasn't such a good idea.

Noonan: You shut up about Reagan! It was ivory tower elites who told him to kick the mentally ill to the curb.

Brooks: We're sinful! And ignorant!

Noonan: And not humble enough.


And then, lacking anything else to say or do, they broke into song:




Load up on guns and

Bring your friends

It's fun to lose

And to pretend

She's over bored

And self assured

Oh no, I know
A dirty word
...


With the lights out

it's less dangerous

Here we are now

Entertain us

I feel stupid

and contagious

Here we are now

Entertain us

A mulatto



An albino


A mosquito


My Libido

Yeah!


Brooks: I'm for a quota system. If you talk to a Conservative, talk to a Liberal. If you read a Liberal, you should read a Conservative. If you find yourself feeling good, hit yourself in the wrist with a hammer. If you notice you're getting too smart, huff some paint until Tom Friedman starts to sound like Stephen Hawkings. Are you above average height? How about hacking off a few obtruding inches if leg bone?

And if you've gotten pretty much everything wrong for the past few decades, considered getting a permanent column in the New York Times to balance it out.

David Brooks may not be Peggy Noonan, but he sure as shit is the perfect Centrist-Mediocrity-as-Virtue love child of Diana Moon Glampers.
and Ellsworth Toohey:

Our little group has always been

And always will until the end

Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?

Yeah!