As expected, "The Beachwood Reporter" has the early line on the upcoming Mayoral Derby here. And while I may quibble with a few of his ponies and standings, with starters likes these --
-- overall one must say that Steve Rhodes' take on the matter is a credit to the bookmaker's art.
Candidate: Ed Burke.
Status: Willing To Grant Us A Single Term
Odds: 25-1
Comment: And after that term he'd declare martial law and put us all to work on his plantation.
Candidate: Ed Vrdolyak
Status: Out. Convicted Felon.
Odds: 50-1
Comment: You never know with Fast Eddie.
Candidate: Tim Evans
Status: Has To Be Considering It
Odds: 10-1
Comment: Would be some measure of justice, no pun intended.
Candidate: Johnathan Jackson
Status: One Of Three Jacksons Considering It
Odds: 1,000,000-1
Comment: Wait, what?
Candidate: Jesse Jackson Sr.
Status: Make That Four Jacksons Considering It
Odds: 500,000-1
Comment: It must have crossed his mind.
Candidate: Patrick Fitzgerald
Status: No Fucking Way
Odds: Off the board
Comment: Bodies would become unburied in a hurry.
Candidate: Forrest Claypool
Status: Playing Coy
Odds: 50-1
Comment: A new Cook County board president and a new mayor and he won't be either. Has to be eating him up.
...
However, in the interest of sporting justice, I feel I must add the following late entries.
Longer Odds/Darker Horses...
Candidate: Jerry Roper
Status: Grooming.
Odds: 12,000-1
Comment: Former Chamber of Commerce CEO. Perfect -- and I mean perfect -- Executive Hair. Lately appears to be descending into rich golfer dotage, but could still be a perfectly serviceable seat-filler. Also watching him deal with City Council would be entertaining in exactly the same way watching Tim Gunn slop hogs would be entertaining .
Candidate: Lori Healy
Status: Dreaming.
Odds: 1,500-1
Comment: Was Chief of Staff for about 11 minutes when Hizzoner needed land moved around. Lined up (and later ran) Hizzoner's single most important project -- the Olympic Bid Committee -- so she has millionaires on speed dial. Smart. Unindicted. Could own the PUMA vote...if we had a PUMA vote.
Candidate: Ditka!
Status: Ditka!
Odds: Never tell me the odds.
Comment: What's left of the Chicago press corps gets to write about Ditka!
Candidate: Jamie Dimon
Status: Richer than God's bookie.
Odds: 5,000-1
Comment: TV-friendly and less spooky than the average Pritzker. Could buy the office outright -- and then personally wipe out most of the City's deficit -- with his sofa change. And for the price of that few mil in good will, people might be willing to politely overlook his role in nearly destroying the global economy.
Candidate: Fran Spielman
Status: On deadline.
Odds: 1,000,000-1
Comment: In every situation, she would already know what Daley would have meant to say and do.
Candidate: Cheryle Robinson Jackson
Status: She sees you. She hears you. Or so says her abandoned "Cheryle Robinson Jackson for Senate" website.
Odds: 100,000-1
Comment: Killing time as 3rd VP in charge of something at AAR since she's blew off the Urban League to run for the Senate. Would be the first black woman in the job, is attractive, young, can work a short skirt and skyscraper heels, is TV-ready and can probably can get the same BP guys who helped fund the Urban League to underwrite her triumphant return to public service.
Candidate: James Tyree
Status: Networking.
Odds: 800-1
Comment: Have you seen his Muckety page? Rich, wired into almost every major money clique, and now owns a newspaper. If he can just get Bloomberg to loan him his lucky billionaire/mogul/mayor tie, he'll be good to go.
Candidate: Dirty Dragon
Status: Smokin'
Odds: 22,000-1
Comment: Chicago icon with no known criminal affiliations. Previous executive experience running Cartoon Town Post Office. Compared to the current Mayor, city workers/reporters will find his temperament mild and soothing. Has spent decades collecting the dark and terrible secrets of millions. Mike Madigan reportedly delighted at the prospect of a candidate already used to performing with someone's hand up his ass.
Candidate: Michael Jordan
Status: Beatified.
Odds: Just give me the ball.
Comment: Can never, ever go to jail. It's a law; look it up! Very real danger that this might re-animate the professional remains of Bob Greene.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you brought cash, 'cause this freak show is just getting started!
Play us out, Tom Waits...
"Starving in the Belly of a Whale"
Life is whittled
Life's a riddle
Man's a fiddle that life plays on
When the day breaks, and the earth quakes
Life's a mistake all day long
Tell me, who gives a good gooddamn
You'll never get out alive
Don't go dreaming
Don't go scheming
A man must test his mettle
In a crooked ol' world
[Chorus:]
Starving in the Belly
Starving in the Belly
Starving in the Belly of a whale
Starving in the Belly
Starving in the Belly
Starving in the Belly of a whale
Dan't take my word
Just look skyward
They that dance must pay the fiddler
Sky is darkening
Dogs are barking
But the caravan moves on
Tell me who gives a good gooddamn
You'll never get get out alive
Don't go dreaming
Don't go scheming
A man must test his mettle
In crooked ol' world
Starving in the Belly...
[Chorus]
As the crow flies
It's there the truth lies
At the bottom of the well
E-o-leven goes to heaven
Bless the dead here as the rain falls
Don't trust a bull's horn
A doberman's tooth
A runaway horse or me
Don't be greedy, don't be needy
If you live in hope you're
Dancing to a terrible tune
Starving in the Belly
Starving in the Belly...
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