Sunday Morning Comin’ Down - 2 of 2

In which many quatloos are wagered...

On "Fox Anal Leakage" Newt Gingrich (R-GA); Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI); Stonecutter’s Roundtable features Brit Hume, Mara Liasson, Juan Williams, and Bill Kristol.

Chris Wallace: What’s next, Big Carl?

Carl Levin: We assume that the Repubs will filibuster that too.

Wallace: There are lots of ideas out there. Among them John Murtha’s treasonable idea to set benchmarks he knows the Pentagon cannot meet.

Wallace: Aren’t you, sir, gambling on Failure! If the Dear Leader doesn’t fail, won’t you look foolish.

Levine: Fuck no. In fact Condi Rice is right this minute using Congress’ attempt to put restrictions on troop deployment to Bad Cop the Iraq government into getting serious. We are performing a public service.

Wallace: But isn’t it possible – possible – this could work? Isn’t there even and entsy-beansy one millionth of one percent chance that it might actually work? And given that there is a chance – however subatomic and undetectable – shouldn’t the GOP continue to flush other people’s children and treasure they created? Forever?

Levin: Everything is possible. It is possible that Jesus will come down from the sky flinging thunderbolts at the Bad People and save us all from the blowback from the President's serial and epic failures. So why don’t we just pull our troops out and wait for that? Because what we are doing now is a proven failure.

Wallace: Do you see no political danger here? That you will be seen as weak on national defense as you pussies were for years and years after Walter Cronkite and Jane Fonda lost Vietnam?

Levin: Fuck you.

Wallace: North Korea. Doesn’t this deal show that engaging the neighborhood means that George Bush is the Greatest Foreign Policy Jeenus Evah!

Levin: Dubya is now back to exactly where Bill Clinton was seven years ago, before Dubya screwed up the entire region with his sky-filling stupidity. So, yes, we are glad that Well we are back

Wallace (In his best Perry Mason, ‘You Forgot Poland’, Aha!! voice): But now China is engaged! Check and Mate!

Levin: China was engaged before. There were lots of talks. Bilateral. Multilateral. With China. (Levin blinks out “You Fucking Dumbass” in semaphore.)

Then follows the longest pause in the history of teevee. Crickets chirp, grow old, make little crickets. Then die. Generation upon generation. Everlasting to everlasting.

Chirp.

Chirp.

Wallace: Really?

Levin: Yes.

Tumbleweed fills up the Universe.

Cricket tire of being the metaphor for time passing glacially, evolve into a space-faring species and leave for…

…Mars, bitches!

(Heh. I had a bet with myself that I could find a way to work than in this week. I now owe myself three milk cows and a fine, young ram. )

Levin says nothing but taps out “Do you have any more ignorant question asswipe? Any more embarassing lies about how Bush is Winston Fucking Churchill and Clinton’s foreign policy spent eight years with its picture on a milk carton you imbecile?” in Morse Code with his pen.

Then…Newt!

Newt: Democrats are trying to micromanage the war. This is very weakening for America. You are watching the undermining of America.

Wallace: Yeah, but Newt, YOU said Bush Policies suck ass. How about that?

Newt: There is a difference. I can offer advice. The Senate can offer advice. That’s different than legislating. They want the worst of all worlds. Mutha and Pelosi intend to gradual grind down out ability to be effective in Iraq.
Newt Gingrich fails to mention that Iraq is what is grinding down our ability to be effective in Iraq.

Newt: The Marine Corps hymn begins “From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli.”

driftglass: WTF?

Newt: Jefferson sent the Marines to attack Barbary pirates. And he didn’t ask the candy-ass Congress for any fucking permission.

driftglass: Yeah. And Dubya sent American troops to attack the Taliban in Afghanistan. If there is any analogy buried in Newt’s drivel, that’d be it.

What Jefferson did not do was then bankrupt the Treasury and send virtually every other man-at-arms in America off to fight in Punjab until the end of time because somebody’s cousin’s friend knew a guy who said he was pretty sure he had heard that the Indians (India Indians) were developing weapons of mass destruction and that they were going to pass along to the Barbary pirates.

Imaginary Newt: Also when Scipio Africanus surged into Carthage against the darkies Jesus Himself didn’t say “boo!”

driftglass: It mentions the Second Punic War in the Bible?

Imaginary Mitt: In my Bible is does.


(Oh great. Now I've got the "Mitt and Newt Show!" going in my head.)

Newt out-of-power is actually kinda funny. Because he is so completely insane. Because while his historical analogies are vivid and unusual, they are also always so weirdly incongruous and irrelevent to the real issue at hand – and his actual solutions various problems are always so trivial and prescriptive (Well to start with, we should immediately change the special forces uniforms from khaki to Ultrasuede…) to that I have to laugh.

Wallace: What do you say about the deal that the Glorious Leader has struck with North Korea? Isn’t it a far, far better thing than Clinton had ever done? Isn’t the Dear Leader’s future is a far, far better place than Clinton had ever gone.

Gingrich: No. Senator Levin explained why this deal sucks. North Koreans are liars and cannot be trusted. Condi Rice will end up legitimize the regime. This was a mistake. A terrible fucking mistake.

Gingrich: This signal this send to Iran is, get a nuke and we will back down. I mean there might be a nuke facility we know nothing about! Run by Unicorns!

Wallace does throw Doug Feith under the bus -- crotch to crown -- for coming on Fox News last Sunday and just flat-out lying his ass off about what his role was in ginning up the lies that got led us to ruin in Iraq.

Video here courtesy Crooks & Liars.

Shorter Fox Panel:

Bill Kristol: We need to get tough with Iran. If we can find the plant that’s making these weapons, we need to take it out. Fuck who authorized it or why. Bomb the shit out of anything that moves!

Hume: The Democrats don’t give a shit that our troops are getting killed. This is why Democrats have had a reputation since 11 A.D. for being American-hating surrended monkeys. Bevcause they are!

Hume (actual quote h/t to Think Progress):

“It’s time a few things be said about him [John Murtha],” Hume said. “This guy is long past the day when he had anything but the foggiest awareness of what the heck is going on in the world.” Hume called Murtha an “absolute fountain” of “naivete.” (Think Progress has the vid here.)

Juan Williams: But Brit, don’t you see that we are already stretched to the breaking point? Please, Brit! Love me! Love Me!!!

At which point Hume lizards licks his lips, slits down his little rodent eyes, and you can very nearly make out he and Kristol ecstatically jerking their withered members off under the Fox News Desk and spilling their polluted seed all over Mara Liasson’s sensible shoes at the thought of a Bush-Triggered Apocalypse with millions dying in teevee-friendly explosions and Fox News with a lock on exclusive interviews with each of the Four Horsemen.


On "The Chris Matthews Experience" . With Bob Woodward, Mrs. Alan Greenspan, Bobo Brooks and Gloria Borger.

Brooks: Dubya has “Gone Toynbee”. He is looking at a 50 year time horizon, and on that he is being very realistic.

Woodward: The Democrats are also responsible for this war. They voted for it.

Woodward: Everyone’s thinking about politics and nobody is concerned about the troops. People need to rise above politics and party here.

driftglass: Nobody? Really? You have actual evidence that exists outside of your own deluded imagniation that "nobody is concerned about the troops"?

Imaginary Mitt: In my Bible there is.

Woodward: We need to get Pelosi and Reid and Bush in a room and work out a compromise.

Brooks: We have no leverage with Iran. We don’t have the troops or any diplomatic leverage.

A typically sickening, inconsequential, back-and-forth, reduction to mere sport of matters that are genuinely monstrous, catastrophic and of vital and immediate national concern.

Among fatheads with no skin in this game.

Where have I seen this before?

Oh yeah…

The Pundits of Triskelion

Starring Provider Bob Woodward, Provider Mrs. Alan Greenspan, Provider Bobo Brooks and Provider Gloria Borger.

Provider Brooks explains their pasty, weak appearance: Through eons of devoting our selves exclusively to pundit pursuits, we became the physically simple, mentally smug asshats you see before you.


”Provider Woodward bids 300 quatloos for the new Republican Talking Points.”

”Provider Mrs. Alan Greenspan, 350 quatloos.”

”Provider Gloria Borger, 400.”

”1,000 quatloos.”

"1,050 quatloos."

"2,000"

"2,000 quatloos are bid. Is there a challenge?"

Provider Bobo Brooks: “I wager 15 quatloos that something bad might happen.”

”Provider Woodward bids 20 quatloos that whatever the Bad Thing is, the Democrats will be blamed.”

“5,000 quatloos that the Hillary somethingsomething will have to be destroyed.”

And yet for the Thralls of the Right, there is no crew of the Enterprise coming to liberate and de-stupefy them.

Having been shown year after year, catastrophe after catastrophe that their ideology is garbage and their leaders are swine, they stay as loyal as ever.

And as dumb as drywall.

On Fox, Provider Brit Hume explains: "I'm sorry, little Red Stater. I didn't “lie”-lie. Not like the Dirty Hippies. I did what was necessary. Someday, you'll understand.

Little Red Stater: I understand ... a little. But I am very, very stupid so it might just be a commercial for the WWF or the microwave burrito I had for bednight snack last night I am remembering. Mmmm. Instantaneous Burrito. Mmmm. Rasslin'. Mmmm. Fox teevee.

But some among them yearn to join the Fox Providers and are heartsick as the Pundits of Triskelion depart, leaving the simple Thralls that make up the Fox Viewership to ask:

Little Red Stater: You will leave us now?

Provider Brit Hume: Yes.

Little Red Stater: To go back to the lights in the studio?

Provider Brit Hume: Yes.

Little Red Stater: I would like to go to those lights with you. To have bulletproof hair. To get my genitals serviced by underling bimbos and manwhores. Get paid vast sums of quatloos to lie to morons about the Dirty Hippies. Take me?

Provider Brit Hume: I can't.

Little Red Stater: Then teach me how, and I will follow you.

Provider Brit Hume: There's so much you must learn here first. The Dear Leader will teach you. Learn it, Red Stater. All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.

Provider Brit Hume: Thrall Juan Williams!

Thrall Williams: Yassa Boss.

Provider Brit Hume: Beam us up. And get me a fucking sammich. Bitch.

Thrall Williams: Yassa Boss.

Little Red Stater: Goodbye, Brit Hume. I will learn ...
…and watch the Fox every night
...and remember.

End Part 2 of 2