Thursday, October 12, 2006

In news for Emus



In the second case of officially-sanctioned violence against the emu community of Southern Illinois since June, Mr. Snubbles – beloved father of seven – was gunned down by police today following a tense standoff.

The Chicago Tribune has the details.

Police kill emu after big bird messes with motorists
By JIM SUHR
Associated Press Writer

October 11, 2006, 11:07 AM CDT

GRANITE CITY, Ill. -- Packing 100 pounds on its 5-foot frame, the big bird gave police in this St. Louis suburb a mighty run, confounding them all six times someone reported the ostrich-like beast bugging motorists last weekend along busy Illinois Route 3.

Police finally caught up to the claw-footed menace Monday and ended the ruckus once and for all, cornering the emu, a cousin to the ostrich, and shooting it dead out of fear it'd again wander into traffic and kill someone.

Two days later, police on Wednesday still were pecking away at the vexing question: Where did the bird come from?

"We figured someone would call and say, `That's my bird!"' Police Chief Rich Miller said. "But we still haven't heard from anybody."

Raised for their eggs, oil and protein-rich lean meat, emus -- at least the errant variety -- have become a bit of a trend in southern Illinois, where they're not native.

In June, police in Carbondale, about 100 miles south of Granite City, needed five shotgun blasts and three rounds from a rifle to dispatch one of the flightless birds after cornering it in a residential area, where it was said to have even pecked on a home's window.

In both cases, police say they had no other recourse in dealing with a species known to be elusive -- they're capable of moving up to 35 mph -- and aggressive with anyone who gets too close.

"We figured that sooner or later our luck was gonna run out" and the emu here would cause a traffic wreck, Miller said. "If we had some way to catch it, somewhere to take it, that'd be fine. The ability for us to be second-guessed is always out there, but we decided (Monday) that now is the time to end this."

Carbondale police haven't said publicly if they ever tracked down an owner of the emu they killed, and messages with those authorities Wednesday weren't immediately returned.



According to reports filed from the scene, none of the police had been native to for Australia 80 million years, or could reach speeds on foot of up to 40 mph for short bursts, or ingested large stones into their gizzards to aid digestion.

Yum, yum.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

"You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who do the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

http://taltos.pha.jhu.edu/~tamas/files/images/emu.jpg

(lol!)
-skunqesh

Anonymous said...

Why not a ballistically deployed restraining net?

Anonymous said...

There was also an escaped emu killed recently in Caroline County, Maryland. It's becoming an epidemic.

Anonymous said...

Wow, at last - a distraction from foleygate / NK nukes /AfghanIraqIranistan / (insert your favorite GOP teraclusterfuck here) that the thuglicans can get behind.

Anonymous said...

nice arcane reference there to the news for parrots/wombats/emus

Anonymous said...

Let's just hope no ostrich's escape.

Anonymous said...

A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: {pause} I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this emu what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead emu when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Illinois Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Emu! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes emu out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead emu.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Illinois Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That emu is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the suburbs.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the SUBURBS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Illinois Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that emu when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This emu is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-EMU!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of emus.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: {pause} I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it peck?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the emu for you.
Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)
Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it) Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side! etc. etc. etc.
****************** Alternative Ending: ********************
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Anonymous said...

Emus are scary. And mean. Not as mean as llamas, but still pretty mean. But I can't imagine owning emus and not noticing one or more were missing. Someone's running an illicit emu operation. If I were the cops, I'd be all over that. Don't you need a license to keep wild animals?

Anonymous said...

Sorry for not checking in much, but the emu on top of my television set exploded, and the Department of Homeland Security decided I was a terrorist and renditioned me to the Spanish Inquisition. I still have bruises from those soft cushions! And all they'd serve at mealtime was spam, spam, spam, spam, and Crunchy Frog Chocolates for dessert! Fortunately, I escaped after dispatching the guards with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and took refuge in Castle Anthrax. Mmmm...Zoot.

"Illicit Emu Operation" would be a great name for an Australian rock band, as would simply "The Illicit Emus".

Anonymous said...

Several years ago, I was riding home along US 270 (Mom and I had gone to visit Grandma, rest her soul), and I saw an escaped emu running along the side of the road! All I could say was: "A...large flightless bird!" One does not expect to see emus in Arkansas, unless in a zoo.

Anonymous said...

There is an "otherworldly" quality to the comments as this blog heads into the weekend. Norweigan Blue? Wasn't that code for some kind of Lysergic supplement back in the day.

Anonymous said...

>Raised for their eggs, oil and protein-rich lean meat, emus -- at least the errant variety -- have become a bit of a trend in southern Illinois,<

"Calling Michael Moore..." :) And is there a reason the state's Fish, Game, and Wildlife folks weren't handling this, or...?

Anonymous said...

KC, (lol) yer inspiring!

Howzbout an Emu-core band?

'Meanass Emu'
say it fast.

or

'Operation Emu, and the Rotten Eggs'

wbagnfarb