Get your scorecards.

You can’t tell one genus of mole-rat from another without a scorecard.

Sure the GOP are degenerate whores who desperately hate this country, but with so many of them rising from the grave and rampaging across the landscape in search of “B R A A A A I N S !!” how do you, the busy, career-gal-on-the-go keep track of the various sub-species?

After all, they’re all kinda stinky and glassy-eyed. All made of some high-density composite that’s impervious to common sense. All have had their basic, human “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” gears stripped and shredded, and all bent on blindly screwing the world into the 13th century or oblivion.

So how can you, the smartly turned-out, Gatling-gun-badinage slingin’ Liberal discern the trace differences among the whelplings so you can mark ‘em down proper in your Lifetime Turdwatcher Book?

Well, here’s a start...


Neocons:

Pasty conquistadors. Loveless, Democracy-attachment-disorder plotters. Thinks of America as prey to be plucked, fucked and chucked. And then whittles down the wishbone to make into lock picks to break into other lands.


Meocons:

These guys. Am I self-linking? Sure. But I did not spill my seed upon the ground, so I think I’m still cool with Yahweh. Meocons spill their seed on the ground, on the baby sitter, on the Statue of Liberty, in your fey Liberal latte, and positively RPG it all over our future.

Me, I'll only do it shamefully, in private and until I need glasses.


Geocons:

I’ve got nothing against a little town. Grew up and moved in and out of several as a wee driftglass. Small towns have fine, kind people in them. They also have some of the most mentally and morally landlocked creatures I have ever met. People who, with great respect to John Mellencamp, have been...

“...mis-educated in a small town
Taught a debilitating fear of Jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
That Queers and Negroes would be taught to fear me.”

Theocons;

Swaggering molesters of the Gospels. The worse of the lot, really. They peel the flesh from a perpetually tortured, screaming Living Christ, layer after layer, generation after generation to stitch into misshapen diapers to cover their diseased minds and desiccated souls. Bigots are trash, but bigots who stand on Bibles to lace up the lynching noose in the name of God are the very definition of Evil. We shall never be rid of them, but in a healthy, Liberal society these degenerate proto-humans would be mocked and shunned for their hateful, retarded delusions. They would live off the dole, or eke out a subsistence living in Historic Fundamentalist Village – “Where the ridiculous superstitions of our ancestors Come To Life: 9, 12, 3 and 6 (Matinees on Sunday).”

“Mommy, did people every really, really believe silly fairy tales like this?”

Of course, in a sick, Republican society, we let them run the world.



Sixtyocons:

Sixty, as in the aggressively oligophrenic end of the I.Q. pool.

Also known as “the base”.

What one I.Q. site describes as "Slow, simple, supervised” under Employment Options, and another notes, “Generally cannot complete elementary school. Most adults will need help to cope with day-to-day living.”

Unfortunately someone trained the Epsilons to listen to Rush and to wander down to the poling place one every few years and vote for someone they’ve been told is personally endorsed by Johnny Quest.


Cronyocons:

As an entire American city swirls down the drain, Crony Number One reassures Crony Number One Hundred, “Brownie, you doin’ a heck of a job.”

Words that will ring down the ages as the perfect synthesis of the final, bankrupt moral cul-de-sac down which the Bush Administration has stampeded the GOP. Words that sum up the “Steal everything, blame Clinton and hide behind the dead” perversity of the Age of Bush as succinctly as “Give me liberty or give me death.” summed up the Age of Patriots.


Weeocons:

(Pic pilfered from jurassicporks’s place)

Baby Republicans. Have an overwhelming need to ferociously support every single thing George Bush has ever said or done no matter how idiotic or mendacity-based...with other people’s blood and treasure. Subsidized cowards with balls as big as Daddy’s Amex, and ego’s as wide as the holes in their souls. Come the revolution they will be issued paper hats and manuals on the proper way to wipe the asses of their betters. Or they’ll be given a pistol and offered the honorable way out.

I figure they’ll choose the Sphincter Swab brigade. Just playing the odds. After all, since Weeocons have never done the honorable thing once in their miserable lives, why would they begin now?


R.E. Leeocons:

Narcissistic Confederate-pride addicts bereft of any tangible knowledge of confederate history. Tend to get all rosy-cheeked and weepy and Kenny Rogers over a halcyon Southron Camelot that never was, instead of facing squarely up to the Apartheid Enemies of Democracy that they actually were. And tend to elide over 80 years of Jim Crow, state-sponsored domestic terrorism and Klan-tastic Segregationism over which their beloved American Swastika proudly waved.


Wiped out now. Perhaps some more later.

[Part 2 here]