Monday, October 10, 2016

At The Imaginary #Debate

We join our Imaginary Debate, already in progress:
Trump:  I never said "sex tape".  Never said that.  Never.

Moderator:  I'm reading your tweet.  That is literally what you wrote less than a week ago.

Trump:  Doesn't matter.  Also "Mosul!"

Moderator:  What do you mean it "doesn't matter"?  You've told 20 lies in 20 minutes and called for your opponent to be jailed.

Trump:  Hillary lies worse. She lies all the time.  She's lying right now.

Moderator:  No.  She's not.  Why do you say crazy shit like this?

Trump (laughs):  Because my supporters are morons.  Come on, we all know it.  I piss in their face and they ask for seconds.  They're chumps, born and bred. so buried under their own shame and humiliation and ignorance they don't dare admit how thoroughly fucked up they really are.  They're cattle and happy to be that way, so why blame me for leading them to slaughter?

Moderator:  Fair point.

Trump:  Sure, every once in a while a lie blows up in my face so bad I can't dent it away.  So what?  I just say "both sides" and their tiny brains go blank and they wander off into the tall grass looking for a Liberal to blame.  The media -- your whole profession -- does it too.  "Both sides" is a fucking magic.  With it I can cloud men's minds.  With it, I'm Mandrake the Magician.

Moderator:  Holy crap, why are you admitting this?

Trump:  Because the villain always has to kick back and gloat and explain his evil genius scheme to someone. It's how the plot goes.

Moderator:  Sure, but then the villain always gets his ass kicked by James Bond.  The jig is up, Goldfinger!

Trump:  Sorry asshole, but you're not James Bond.  And -- surprise! -- I'm not the villain.  Because I didn't do this.  I didn't teach the meatheads to go all Pavlov's drooling pooch every time some Republican con man fucks them over and then whispers "Both Sides".  You did that.  You and every other lazy, sold-out, overpriced Founier and Brooks and Cokie in the Beltway.  You, not me.  I just cracked your code and used the tools you provided.

Moderator:  Ha!  It doesn't matter.  Jesus, Mary and Joe McCarthy,  this will finally hang you.  I'll win the Pulitzer for this!

Trump:  Really?   Because this sure seems like the sort of nonsense that Both Sides pull all the time.

Moderator:  No.  No, this is different...

Trump:  Are you positive. Are you 100% positive this isn't another case of Both Sides and the ... Corrupt Duopoly ... ?

Moderator:  Well... now that you mention it...

Trump:  Sure.  Sure.  And what about those email, huh?  She sure lied about those.  (Sniff sniff.)  And Benghazi? Oh, how could you forget about Benghaaaaazi and those poor, dead Americans.  (Sniff sniff.)

Moderator (shakes head slowly, dazed):  I'm...sorry, Mr. Trump.  Uh.  OK.  Uh, what were we talking about?

Trump:  Nothing, kiddo.  Nothing at all.


beemer said...

DG, you are a national treasure.

Paul Wartenberg said...

Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

Julien m. said...

Great !
And I love the podcast. Never miss it.
Hi from SoCal.

JHB said...

I know it's an old adage that if you want to know where conservatives are pulling dirty tricks, pay attention to what they're accusing Democrats of...

But I have to admit I never expected it to apply to the "marching orders from Moscow" thing.

John Taylor said...

Trump's supporters don't care if he lies, because his lies are really huge, the best lies ever.

jim said...


keith gargus said...

Wonderful script. I laughed, I cried. Cant wait for the movie.

RUKidding said...

Nothing to add except: fan-fucking-tastic. Nail: meet hammer. Thanks!