Thursday, March 10, 2016

At the #GOPDebate: The Four Coarse Men Of The Trumpocalypse

A very slightly improved version of my Twitter stream tonight:
Cruz:  Tax cuts and .. wait for it ... wait for it ... wait for it ... deregulation!  Yay!

Rubio:  "Ta-tas".  Yeah.  I said it.

Kasich:  Bam!  Just locked up the Croatian-American vote.  Locked.  Up.

Trump:  Yeah, I screwed you.  I'm a businessman. Whadya expect?  Also I plan to run the government like a business.  Hehehe.

Trump: Did I mention Ben Carson?  "Ben"  "Carson"

driftglass:  Wingnut Common Core hysteria is the Trump Steaks of public policy.

Cruz:  I will exercise my monarchical power on Day One to repeal every word of the godless "Elements of Style".  For freedumb!

Rubio:  On Social Security, I love my mommy but I'm cool screwing over your mommy.

Rubio: I will continue to raise the Social Security retirement age until we reach "post mortem",

Trump: Democrats want to continue Social Security. Crazy, right?  Dividends from Trump Steaks will pay for Social Security until, oh, let's say 2279.

Dana Bash:  Your math is nuts.
Trump: Math is for losers.  I'm a winner.

Cruz:  I will privatize Social Security  Just like Bush!  Remember how much you loved that idea?  Remember?

Cruz:  Ethanol, bitches! Errybuddy take a drank!

Cruz:  Vote for me because I hate our elected government more than Hell itself and have done everything in my power to destroy it.

Trump: See how nice we can be when everybody lays down and does what I tell them to do?

Jake Tapper:  Do you want to revise you "Islam hates us" comment?
Trump:  How about "Islam fucking hates us".  Better?

Trump:  Islam?  I'm not into being politically correct.  I'm into solutions.  Maybe Final Solutions.

Trump:  The only way to beat bad guys who chop off heads is for the good guys to chop off heads.

Rubio:  Four More Wars!  Four More Wars!  Four More Wars!

Cruz:  Isn't it a terrible shame Obama so obviously pro-terrorist?  Thank God  President McCain killed that awful Osama bin Laden!

driftglass: Remind me again why an outright troll like Hugh Hewitt is anywhere near a network microphone?

Cruz:  Without Israel intact there will never be an Armageddon, and Sweet Baby Jebus won't be able to find his way home.  You wanna risk that?  I should think not.

driftglass: Anyone want to ask about US Tax dollars going to help fund abortion clinics in Israel?  Anyone?  Buehler?  Anyone?

Cruz:  The answer is not simply to yell China bad, Muslim bad.  By the way,  Obama bad!  Obama baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Cruz:  Barack Obama strips our military bare and deliberately tries to get them killed.  By terrorists.  On purpose.

Trump:  We used to fight to win.
driftglass:  Agreed. We should never have ended the Civil War until we had destroyed those traitors utterly

Rubio:  When I'm President of the United States...

driftglass:  Bwahahaha.
(Wipes tear)
Best damn joke of the night.

driftglass:  The only thing Rubio wants to do about wounded veterans is create a lot more of them.

Trump:  In Cuba, I will out-Batista Batista.

Cruz:  For God's sake, do not elect smart people to government.  Elect Republicans!

Rubio: Climate change, schmimate change.  All laws are useless!
driftglass:  What is it with with this Republican obsession with throat ramming?

Rubio:  Science. Boy.  I don't know...

Cruz:  'Pology tour!  'Pology tour!  Jimmy Carter!  Iran!  Hostages!

Trump:  "Strong" doesn't mean good.   For example,  right now Marco has a "strong" reek of "loser" coming off of him...

driftglass:  Republican Christian Conservatives Are Neither "Christian" Nor "Conservative".  Discuss!

Tapper:  Some white trash mope Sucker-Trumped a protester at your rally.  Your reaction?
Trump:  I love Murrica.  I love cops.

Tapper:  What about violence at Trump rallies?
Cruz:  For seven years we've had a dirty Commie Kenyan tyrant, so of course you should expect fascists to kick the shit out of people an Trump rallies,

Trump: The media is making all of this Nazis stuff up.  And I promise once I become Chancellor...

Kasich: It's all such a diggity darn shame.

Rubio: I love cops too. And remember when we put a man on the moon?  Wasn't that awesome?
driftglass:  I sure do.  And I also remember that it was a Big Gummint Liberal who used American tax dollars to make that that moon landing possible you asshole.

Cruz:  We should respect the will of the voters.  Except for the idiots who voted for Donald Trump.  They're Hillary's secret army!  Wake up sheeple!

Rubio:  I know nothing of your fancy, Big City "delegate math".  All I know is there's an old man who holds a Rubio sign up every day.  And when I get his vote and several million other imaginary votes...

Trump:  I played and won this rigged game all my life so trust me.

Trump:  Reagan made great deals.
driftglass:  You mean like that awesome deal with Iran to swap  advanced American missiles for dirty cash so he could bankroll his illegal war?

Kasich:  I will continue to run a positive campaign.  For example, I am positive I am going to lose.  And lose big!

Rubio:  Murrica is  Just so...fucking...awesome.

Cruz:  Sure I spent a little more for the Premium Top Coverage spray-on bald-spot coating this time, but damn it, it was worth it.

Trump: Unite behind me, losers, and together we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy.


Goodnight kids.


Ivory Bill Woodpecker said...

"Agreed. We should never have ended the Civil War until we had destroyed those traitors utterly."

As I have observed before, until I met you, I never knew there was such a thing as a sore winner.

BTW, your policy would have killed one of my ancestors before he reproduced.

Nice to know you wish I didn't exist.

You accurately regard the reactionary faction of my tribe as fools, who forsake the tangible advantages of social democracy in favor of the illusion of revenge for a lost war.

You sometimes give the impression that you also wish to re-fight that war.

If so, you might want to examine your own eyes for splinters first.

Robt said...

If I may quote the famous Doc Brown.

"Great Scot".!

Robt said...

And did you get your personalized rally frothing from Reince Preibus?

That was like Cheez Whiz on the rat trap.

squatlo said...

I've heard so many people say, "The last GOP debate was so well-mannered and civil!" as if that's a novel approach to things.

If you gathered up mass murderers on death row, dosed them all with klonopin and lithium, then asked them questions, you might see similarities. It's not that they aren't still heartless sociopaths, they're just medicated properly. I'm sure as soon as the drugs wore off after the debate these guys went right back to flinging feces at one another.

Mr XD said...

One small nit-that should be Bueller, not Buehler. Both variants of the Old German "Beuhel" which means hill. I only know this because my *real* name is Buehler and I have heard my share of "related to Ferris?" comments.

John Taylor said...

Donald Trump is an asshole but an entertaining one I must admit. God, all these people are awful.

Anonymous said...

@Ivory Bill Woodpecker: I notice you've been reading and making comments on this blog for a while now. Given that, it's a little surprising that you have yet to master the concepts of "snark" and "satire". Too bad - you're missing out on some good humor.

Edward Reno said...

I forgot how good this Johnny Cash song is. Thanks for trotting it out and sending me down the Johnny Cash rabbit hole for the last hour.

To point out the obvious: I like how the debate that was pronounced the most restrained and serious of the season is the one where the front runner proclaimed that the world's second largest religion is out to get america, and when extended a hand by the moderator to climb back off from ledge, gleefully jumped into the abyss to designate well over 1 billion of the world's population our sworn enemies (a conservative quantification of Trump's statement about "many" of the 1.6bn that make up the Muslim community).

Dick jokes? Not presidential.

Pitting us against none-seventh of the world's population and promising war crimes? Projecting strength and seriousness.

Really, there comes a point where our media gatekeepers have to choose a fucking side. This is not hypothetical anymore. There's a mosque that will be torched or a girl in a hijab that will be spit on (or some poor Sikh or Buddhist monk who gets mistaken for an A-RAB) because some America loving patriots sat in front of their TVs and heard Donald Trump loud and clear.

Sian Dougal said...

This is too awesome. This belongs in the Hall of Blogging Fame. I'm stealing large chunks of this one, some of which I might not claim as my own, hehe*