A very slightly improved version of my Twitter stream tonight:
Cruz: Tax cuts and .. wait for it ... wait for it ... wait for it ... deregulation! Yay!
Rubio: "Ta-tas". Yeah. I said it.
Kasich: Bam! Just locked up the Croatian-American vote. Locked. Up.
Trump: Yeah, I screwed you. I'm a businessman. Whadya expect? Also I plan to run the government like a business. Hehehe.
Trump: Did I mention Ben Carson? "Ben" "Carson"
driftglass: Wingnut Common Core hysteria is the Trump Steaks of public policy.
Cruz: I will exercise my monarchical power on Day One to repeal every word of the godless "Elements of Style". For freedumb!
Rubio: On Social Security, I love my mommy but I'm cool screwing over your mommy.
Rubio: I will continue to raise the Social Security retirement age until we reach "post mortem",
Trump: Democrats want to continue Social Security. Crazy, right? Dividends from Trump Steaks will pay for Social Security until, oh, let's say 2279.
Dana Bash: Your math is nuts.
Trump: Math is for losers. I'm a winner.
Cruz: I will privatize Social Security Just like Bush! Remember how much you loved that idea? Remember?
Cruz: Ethanol, bitches! Errybuddy take a drank!
Cruz: Vote for me because I hate our elected government more than Hell itself and have done everything in my power to destroy it.
Trump: See how nice we can be when everybody lays down and does what I tell them to do?
Jake Tapper: Do you want to revise you "Islam hates us" comment?
Trump: How about "Islam fucking hates us". Better?
Trump: Islam? I'm not into being politically correct. I'm into solutions. Maybe Final Solutions.
Trump: The only way to beat bad guys who chop off heads is for the good guys to chop off heads.
Rubio: Four More Wars! Four More Wars! Four More Wars!
Cruz: Isn't it a terrible shame Obama so obviously pro-terrorist? Thank God President McCain killed that awful Osama bin Laden!
driftglass: Remind me again why an outright troll like Hugh Hewitt is anywhere near a network microphone?
Cruz: Without Israel intact there will never be an Armageddon, and Sweet Baby Jebus won't be able to find his way home. You wanna risk that? I should think not.
driftglass: Anyone want to ask about US Tax dollars going to help fund abortion clinics in Israel? Anyone? Buehler? Anyone?
Cruz: The answer is not simply to yell China bad, Muslim bad. By the way, Obama bad! Obama baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Cruz: Barack Obama strips our military bare and deliberately tries to get them killed. By terrorists. On purpose.
Trump: We used to fight to win.
driftglass: Agreed. We should never have ended the Civil War until we had destroyed those traitors utterly
Rubio: When I'm President of the United States...
Best damn joke of the night.
driftglass: The only thing Rubio wants to do about wounded veterans is create a lot more of them.
Trump: In Cuba, I will out-Batista Batista.
Cruz: For God's sake, do not elect smart people to government. Elect Republicans!
Rubio: Climate change, schmimate change. All laws are useless!
driftglass: What is it with with this Republican obsession with throat ramming?
Rubio: Science. Boy. I don't know...
Cruz: 'Pology tour! 'Pology tour! Jimmy Carter! Iran! Hostages!
Trump: "Strong" doesn't mean good. For example, right now Marco has a "strong" reek of "loser" coming off of him...
driftglass: Republican Christian Conservatives Are Neither "Christian" Nor "Conservative". Discuss!
Tapper: Some white trash mope Sucker-Trumped a protester at your rally. Your reaction?
Trump: I love Murrica. I love cops.
Tapper: What about violence at Trump rallies?
Cruz: For seven years we've had a dirty Commie Kenyan tyrant, so of course you should expect fascists to kick the shit out of people an Trump rallies,
Trump: The media is making all of this Nazis stuff up. And I promise once I become Chancellor...
Kasich: It's all such a diggity darn shame.
Rubio: I love cops too. And remember when we put a man on the moon? Wasn't that awesome?
driftglass: I sure do. And I also remember that it was a Big Gummint Liberal who used American tax dollars to make that that moon landing possible you asshole.
Cruz: We should respect the will of the voters. Except for the idiots who voted for Donald Trump. They're Hillary's secret army! Wake up sheeple!
Rubio: I know nothing of your fancy, Big City "delegate math". All I know is there's an old man who holds a Rubio sign up every day. And when I get his vote and several million other imaginary votes...
Trump: I played and won this rigged game all my life so trust me.
Trump: Reagan made great deals.
driftglass: You mean like that awesome deal with Iran to swap advanced American missiles for dirty cash so he could bankroll his illegal war?
Kasich: I will continue to run a positive campaign. For example, I am positive I am going to lose. And lose big!
Rubio: Murrica is just...so...awesome. Just so...fucking...awesome.
Cruz: Sure I spent a little more for the Premium Top Coverage spray-on bald-spot coating this time, but damn it, it was worth it.
Trump: Unite behind me, losers, and together we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy.
Once again, another "hard hitting" question which is just a set-up for a stealth Trump campaign ad. Fuck you, @CNN. #GOPDebate— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 11, 2016
Unbelievable. Un-be-fucking-lievable. @CNN just handed next Tuesday, and the nomination, to Trump. Mark this moment. #GOPDebate— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 11, 2016