Friday, February 21, 2014

Because There Is No One To Stop Them


No surprise that an Imaginary Conservatism like Andrew Sullivan would take out after Genuine American Conservative like Ted Nugent.

What makes it hilarious is that because Mr. Sullivan so fully a creature of the Beltway culture where it is virtually illegal to criticize a Conservative for doing something hideous without dragging some hapless Liberals into it, he was required by law to begin his comments about Nugent as follows:
We all know there are plenty of kooks out there – on both sides – who say repulsive, racist or bigoted things all the time.
Mr Sullivan -- who has been a Professional Conservative Public Intellectual since 1986 -- also had this to say about our political system --
And I cannot believe that a major political party in this country would not just refuse to repudiate it, but actively embrace Nugent as an ally in campaigns.
I'm tired so I will let this post of mine from 2005 do the remained of my talking for me:
It’s not much of a cheese shop,

Is it?

Such a long day I’ve have in the NaCl mines working my heart out for our ant overlords. And I spy with my little eye one Timmy Flanigan, Tyco lawyer lashed to the mast of the rapidly-sinking GOP Swag Ship -- the U.S.S. Jack Abramoff -- and latest in the Bush string of fecal federal appointment pearls to finally be exposed to the light of day.

Good times! But there’s a Python thing going on down below that's cracking me up and is hard to ignore. So before we wander down Bush Smackdown Boulevard, this quick...

A Moderate visits the GOP Cheese Shop.

MODERATE:
Good Morning.

MANWHORE:
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Conservative Party Emporium.

MODERATE:
Ah, thank you my good man.

MANWHORE:
What can I do for you, sir?

MODERATE:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Strom Thurmond Street just now, skimming through “The Conscience of a Conservative” by Barry Goldwater, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

MANWHORE:
Peckish, sir?

MODERATE:
Esurient.

MANWHORE:
Eh?

MODERATE:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.

MANWHORE:
Ah, hungry.

MODERATE:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little Party ‘o Lincoln nibble will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Goldwatering activates, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Conservative comestibles.

MANWHORE:
Come again?

MODERATE:
I want some Traditional Republican values.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Swastika.

MODERATE:
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Foremost Constitutional Emendation.

MANWHORE:
Sorry?

MODERATE:
Ah like’s a nice torchlit rally, I do.

MANWHORE:
So Rush can go on ranting, can he?

MODERATE:
Most certainly. Now then, some conservative values please, my good man.

MANWHORE:
Certainly, sir. What would you like?

MODERATE:
Well, eh, how about a little Red Chinese bashing?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Chinese bashing, sir.

MODERATE:
Oh never mind, how are you on Civil Liberties?

MANWHORE:
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.

MODERATE:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Budget Balancing, if you please.

MANWHORE:
Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.

MODERATE:
It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Compassionate Conservatism?

MANWHORE:
Sorry, sir.

MODERATE:
Confronting racism? And segregation?

MANWHORE:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

MODERATE:
Ah. How about no nation-building?

MANWHORE:
Sorry.

MODERATE:
Tolerance? Privacy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Any respect for Science, per chance?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Plurality?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Suspicion of Big Government?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Solid economic policies?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Pay as you go?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A Teddy Rooseveltian limit on monopolies and corporatism?

MANWHORE:
…No.

MODERATE:
Hatred of Fascism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Optimism?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Free speech? Freedom of religion? Freedom of assembly? Petitioning you government for redress of grievances? Clean water? Clean air?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
A strong military, perhaps?

MANWHORE:
Ah! We have a strong military, yes sir.

MODERATE:
You do! Excellent.

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit Rummy.

MODERATE:
Oh, I like it Rummy.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's very Rummy, actually, sir.

MODERATE:
No matter. Fetch hither le Armée Des Etats-Unis! M-mmm!

MANWHORE:
I think it's a bit Rummier than you'll like it, sir.

MODERATE:
I don't care how fucking Rummy it is. Hand it over with all speed.

MANWHORE:
Oh .....

MODERATE:
What now?

MANWHORE:
Iraq’s eaten it.

MODERATE:
Has he?

MANWHORE:
She, sir.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Fair elections?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Death with dignity?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Rational gun laws?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
International respect?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Eisenhower’s “Just say “No” to the Military Industrial Complex?”

MANWHORE:
No, sir.

MODERATE:
You do have some Republican values, do you?

MANWHORE:
Of course, sir. It's a Republican Party, sir. We've got .....

MODERATE:
No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

MANWHORE:
Fair enough.

MODERATE:
Er, staying out of other people’s bedrooms?

MANWHORE:
Yes?

MODERATE:
Ah, well, I'll have some of that.

MANWHORE:
Oh, I thought you were talking about me, sir. Manwhore Gannon. I spend rather a lot of time in other people’s bedrooms.

(pause)

MODERATE:
Honest day’s work for honest day’s pay?

MANWHORE:
Ah, not as such.

MODERATE:
Er, Term Limits?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Power sharing?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Requiring “…all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress”?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Due process?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Fair Markets?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
No frivolous Presidential pardons?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
Government transparency?

MANWHORE:
For Hillary and Health Care yes, but for Cheney and Energy Policy, not today, sir, no.

(pause)

MODERATE:

Ah, how about Zero Tolerance for Presidential lying?

MANWHORE:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

MODERATE:
Not much ca- It's the single most famous Republican value in the world!
You impeached a man over it!

MANWHORE:
Not round here, sir.

MODERATE:
And what is the most popular value round here?

MANWHORE:
Personal Responsibility, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

MODERATE:
Is it.

MANWHORE:
It's our number-one best seller, sir.

MODERATE:
I see. Ah, Personal Responsibility, eh?

MANWHORE:
Right, sir.

MODERATE:
All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

MANWHORE:
I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.

MODERATE:
It's not much of a Republican Party, is it?

MANWHORE:
Finest in the district, sir.

MODERATE:
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

MANWHORE:
Well, it's so clean, sir.

MODERATE:
It's certainly uncontaminated by actual conservative values.

MANWHORE:
You haven't asked me about torture, sir.

MODERATE:
Is it worth it?

MANWHORE:
Could be.

MODERATE:
Have you- TAKE THAT FUCKING SWASTIKA DOWN!

MANWHORE:
(To skinheads) Told you so.

MODERATE:
Do you repudiate the use of torture as a matter of national policy?

MANWHORE:
No.

MODERATE:
That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir?

MODERATE:
Have you in fact got any values here at all?

MANWHORE:
Yes, sir.

MODERATE:

Really?

(pause)

MANWHORE:
No. Not really, sir.

MODERATE:
You haven't.

MANWHORE:
No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

MODERATE:
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Of course this is where our little parable runs off the rails because, like the broken-down crack-whores that they are, it doesn’t matter how many times or how brutally the GOP lies to Moderates or betrays them or fucks them over, and it doesn’t matter how high into the troposphere you pile the evidence of their stupidity and complicity and denial…they will always bellycrawl back the their abusers and beg to have their three remaining teeth punched down their throats.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had a feeling you'd take a whack at that post. And of course, since there basically are no examples of a liberal public figure saying anything that's even 1% as heinous as what Nugent said, his example of equivalent liberal ugliness was some unnamed member of the left calling Bush "a chimp, or worse."

As Balloon Juice and other places relentlessly point out, there is no level of filth that can uttered by a prominent conservative figure that can't be waved off with "but, an anonymous commenter at DKos once said Bush was like Hitler, so both sides are equally ugly." Here we have exhibit no. 43092692 of that phenomenon.

And for douches like Sullivan and especially his elders in the Club, it will always be 1968 and Abbie Hoffman and a bunch of dirty hippies will forever be hiding under their beds.

marindenver said...

We all know there are plenty of kooks out there – on both sides – who say repulsive, racist or bigoted things all the time.

I'm mentally going through my list of relatives, co-workers, friends and acquaintances and trying to come up with a list of the liberals I know who say repulsive, racist or bigoted things all the time. Funny thing, I'm not coming up with any

The conservatives I know (as in "am stuck with") - not having much trouble. So fuck you Sullivan.

Also the Monty Python thing was superb. Thanks for pulling it out of your treasure vault.

Horace Boothroyd III said...

2005, 2005... it rings a bell.

Would that have been the era of Jim Guckert/Jeff Gannon aka The Cock Headed Man Whore of the White House press corpse?

Anonymous said...

Good morning, Mr. Glass.

"And I cannot believe that..."
---Andrew Sullivan

"That is why you fail."
---Yoda

Enjoy your day.
---Kevin Holsinger

rhwombat said...

Brilliant: better than the original, which is fairly transcendent.

Michael said...

My God, that must have been fun to write! And the Monty Python usage is just sublime...bravo! I play the MP gang on the show all the time for a reason, they are the top of the comedic food chain. Keep up the great work Driftglass!

Anonymous said...

I really have to wonder, sincerely, about Sullivan.

Is he ignorant because he has shielded himself so thoroughly from reality that he really doesn't know better?

Or is he really just that dense?

Or does he not care because he knows his audience?

Mike.K.

DeistPaladin said...

OBAMA: Is this the right room for bipartisan negotiation?

GOP: I've told you once.

OBAMA: No you haven't.

GOP: Yes I had.

OBAMA: When?

GOP: Just now...

DeistPaladin said...

OBAMA: Is this the right room to have bipartisan negotiation?

GOP: I've told you once.

OBAMA: No you haven't.

GOP: Yes, I have.

OBAMA: When?

GOP: Just now...

Unsalted Sinner said...

Best use of "Rummy" I ever saw...

Every time I see that picture I imagine Sully playing with his "My Dinner with André" action figures, acting out a very lofty discussion of Real Conservatism with lots of Niebuhr quotes.

liberalandlovingit said...

"TAKE THAT FUCKING SWASTIKA DOWN!" Blue Gal and you, your Driftness, are dearer to me than kin. You do us justice!