Monday, December 10, 2012

Fundraiser Day One

Now that Dick Armey has quit his job at the doubly-wrongly-named FreedomWorks for an eight-million-dollar wingnut welfare payout, it is helpful to remember what FreedomWorks is -- an engine which instantly and magically transmogrified the legions of lethally stupid Bush Republicans who couldn't even spell d-e-f-i-c-i-t during the Age of Dubya into the legions of lethally stupid freedom luvin' deficit-hawks "independent" Tea Baggers who will swear on a stack of Federalist Papers that they never even heard of George W. Bush.

Of course, in the end the only people who were taken in by this $99.00 political tuck-and-roll job were the lethally credulous legions of our mainstream political media, who once again did our country enormous damage by, once again, letting Republicans off the hook for the evil that they do.  And so, before Mr. Armey and his Teabagger Clown Posse slips back down the Media Memory Hole, it seemed like an excellent time to A) finally start up my postponed October birthday fundraiser

and, B) run one of my personal favorite posts from 2010 (which is also comes in handy, hands-free audio form.)

Enjoy :-)

Now, The Bush-Belly Sneetches

were backers of Bush...

As I learned years ago, in those fevered moments when a welter of polls, counter-polls, rage, speed, heat, transient headline-swallowing micro-issues and barely comprehensible wonkspeak threaten to smother our civic discourse, sometimes is a good and palate-cleansing thing to sidestep those battlefields altogether and try a simpler, clearer genre to make the point.

And so, with great respect for the work of the immortal Theodor Seuss Geisel...

The Tea-Belly Sneetches
(this one's for you, Mom ;-)

Now, the Bush-Belly Sneetches were backers of Bush,
The Plain-Belly Sneetches thought Bush was a Tush.
The Bushs weren’t so big; they were really quite small.
You would think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.
But because they backed Bush, all the Bush-Bellied Sneetches would brag,
“Plain-Bellies are nothing but Commies in Drag!”

"They hate our Great Nation," The Bush-Bellies said.
They're Marxist white-flaggers who want us all dead!
They hate our Dear Leader! They hate our Great Troops!
They mindlessly hate everything, those Socialist poops!
It's their lack of Bush-Bellies that gives them away
They're America-haters! And probably Gay!"

For years this went on, this faux-patriot shucking
(As they conveniently forgot years of Clinton rat-fucking).
They marched and they cheered and sang lots of brave tunes,
About how great Bush was, and how Lefties were Loons.
There was no need to be careful or watch their own words.
They would now win forever, swore the Blossom of Turds.

But the day finally came when Bush began looking crummy
And that was NOT a good day to have Bush on your tummy.
His policies were failing, his economy crashed;
He had left the Great Nation quite thoroughly trashed.
His lies were all melting like snow in a stove
And no one could stop it, not even his Rove.

This made Bush-Belly Sneetches look like ignorant tools
And their Bush-Belly screeching sound like the ranting of fools.
First the Senate fell down, then the House fell down too
(And if that weren't enough to make Bush-Bellies boo-hoo
In two thousand and eight the very worstest blow came
When they lost to a Negro with a strange Muslim name!)

The Bush-Belly Sneetches became very confused.
How could they fail? Had they merely been used?
Fox had told them for years they were righteous and shrewd;
That the Plain-Belly Sneetches were stupid and crude.
Now their Bush-Belly tats made them look shithouse-rat-nuts
Their own words had damned them, no "ands", "ifs" or "buts".

And then out of the West came their own gin-soaked Moses
Who swore all their shame could be turned into roses.
His name was Sylvester "Dick Armey" McBean
Inventor of the Fabulous, Tea-Baggulous Bush-Off Machine.

For the price of their souls and a couple of bucks
The Bush-Bellies could now buy some nips and some tucks.

From the Bush-Off Machine they tumbled like fresh laundered sheets
Screaming about deficits! Taxes! And those awful elites!
They had never liked Bush, no not even a little...
...they shrieked from mouths flecked with Patriot Spittle.
They'd never voted for him, nor swallowed his dirt.

You don't believe me? Just look at my shirt!

"They hate our Great Nation," The Tea-Bellies said.
"These Marxist death-panelists who want us all dead!
They hate our Great Founders! They hate Sarah Palin!
They hate all good things and they're why we're failin'!
It's their lack of Tea-Bellies that gives them away
They're America-haters! And probably Gay!"

They marched and they cheered and sang lots of brave tunes,
About how great Beck was, and how Lefties were Loons.
For one thing, of course, had remained just the same
The Left and their schemes were always to blame.
Because there is no need to be careful or watch what you say
When your past is as squashy as modeling clay.


Jenonymous said...

Drifty, I am outtaworko but KUDOS. This is BRILLIANT. Gilly would be proud (and re-post it). He would print out a copy and send it to his family and post it next to his workstation.

And so will many others, no doubt.

Bustednuckles said...

I don't know how I managed to miss this originally, perhaps I was just too damn drunk at the time to remember it.

I can see now why it would be a favorite though, that's a lot of mental excersize coming up with all that and as usual, is awesome.

lostnacfgop said...

I can hear the faint rhythmic pulses of uncontrollable laughter from the airborne soul of Ted Geisel right now. Thanks for the great start to Tuesday, DG.

Matt said...

Dropped a few dollars in the hat. Keep doing what you're doing, and thanks!

Malogato said...

Brilliant. Hilarious. All of the fine writing and razor sharp polemic you have done in the past and its a Dr. Seuss take-off and I laugh off my ass?

Will Wyatt said...

You so fucking called it!

Anonymous said...

Driftglass -- you're the best. Please, never stop what you're doing. You deserve so much more recognition, not to mention renumeration, for your tireless efforts than you recieve.

I consider you a beacon of light in the dark, and if I could, I would send you tons of money to help further your efforts, but alas I am a poor old lefty, barely struggling by. But I would encourage any wealthy people reading here to donate generously.

I just can't express enough how much I appreciate your blog. Keep up the good work!

Unknown said...


Anonymous said...

I agree, you are great. I gave last month. Still saving up nickels & dimes....