Monday, February 23, 2009

Big Fucknozzle Trade Show


hits D.C. this week.

For all nine-minutes of bullshit, faux-introspection chin-music that came from the Right about change, future and vision after they got hog-slaughtered in the last two elections, if you want to know what is really at the corrupt, oozy heart of the American Conservative movement (and its filthy little avatar, the Republican Party) look no further than their ideological trade show: the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC.

How do I know?

'Cause Dick Cheney tells me so (from the CPAC website):

“CPAC has consistently over the years championed those ideas that have made America great: limited government, free enterprise, low taxes and a strong national defense."

– Vice President Dick Cheney

“CPAC has never been more important!"

– Amb. John Bolton

“… A showcase of the heart and soul of American conservatism”

– Los Angeles Times

“CPAC is the preeminent yearly gathering of conservative activists."

– The Washington Post

And since bullshit walks and money pays the piper and calls the tune, who finances this freak show? Who lays out genuine coin of the realm for this three day Course in Wingnut Miracles, and what do those sponsors believe is the real problem with America?

The American Conservative Union: who believe that OSHA, commies and liberals are destroying America.

Accuracy in Media: who believe that liberal control of the media is destroying America.

Advocacy Ink : who believe that bad wingnut PR is destroying America.

Alliance Defense Fund: who believe that non-Christians, queers, unregulated vaginae and porn are destroying America.

American Civil Rights Union: who believe that militant atheists are destroying America.

American Federation of Senior Citizens: who believe that liberals are destroying America.

American Future Fund: who believe that non-Limbaugh-approved thoughts are destroying America.

American Service Council, Inc.: who believe that "socialized oil" is destroying America.

American for Tax Reform: who believe that taxes are destroying America.

Americans for Limited Government: who believe that Evil Gummint things are destroying America.

Americas Majority: who believe that non-Judeo Christian morals are destroying America.

AT&T: who believes that iPhones are destroying America.

Black Republican PAC: who believe that the 99.7% of African Americas who are not self-loathing enough to join the GOP are destroying America.

BMW Direct, Inc.: who believe that not hiring BMW Direct is destroying America.

Campaign for Liberty: who believe that any and all regulations of corporate interests are destroying America.

Capital Research Center: who believes that ACORN and labor unions are destroying America.

Catholic Family Caucus: who believe that people who point out their site is full of broken links are destroying America.

Center for Individual Freedom: who believe that people who point out that a site festooned with screaming eagles, flags and links to wingnut causes and spokesmodels is hardly "non-partisan" are destroying America.

Citizens in Charge Foundation: who believe that non-plebiscite-based Gummint thingies are destroying America.

Citizens United: who believe that things that don’t smell like Reagan's underpants are destroying America.

Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute: who believe that smelly liberal feminists are destroying America.

College Republican National Committee: who believe that "unions and leftist interest groups" are destroying America.

Competitive Enterprise Institute: Site offline, which can't be good for competitiveness.

Concerned Women for America: who believe that non-"Biblical values" are destroying America.

Congress of Racial Equality: not sure who they believe is destroying America, but its leader has great love for that pallet-truck-o-wingnut-crazy, Alan Keyes.

Congressional Effect Management: who believe that "the negative effects of Congressional deliberation on investor wealth" are destroying America.

Council for America: No site available, so America must remain dangerously uncounselled.

Culture 11: who seem to believe that doctrinaire wingnuts and plutocrat asswipes like virtually everyone else at CPAC are destroying America.

David All Group, LLC : who believe that the wingnut widget gap is destroying America.

David Horowitz Freedom Center: who believe that "All conservative action groups agree that" "the tenured radicals who have taken over America’s universities" are destroying America.

Eagle Forum: who believe that liberals, Messicans, a lack of ballistic missiles, non-Christians, queers and unregulated vaginae are destroying America.

Eberle Associates, Inc.: who believe bad wingnut PR is destroying America.

FairTax: who believe that the 16th amendment and its commie fellow travelers are destroying America.

Family Research Council: who believe that non-Christians, queers, unregulated vaginae and "ultraliberal judges" are destroying America.

Freedom Alliance : who believe that non-bomb-first/ask-questions-later policies are destroying America.

FreedomFest: who believe that not jamming the words "freedom" or "liberty" into every fucking sentence fragmentis destroying America.

Freedom's Defense Fund: who believe that "the radical left and their elitist allies in the mainstream media" are destroying America.

FreedomWorks: who believe that taxing rich people and evil gummint are destroying America.

Google: who believe that Yahoo and YouPorn are destroying America.

Hasan Family Foundation: who seem pretty cool.

Hispanic Leadership Fund: hard to tell but I'm guessing that if vouchers, free trade and tax cuts will save America, then unions and liberals will doom us all.

House Conservatives Fund : who believe that taxes, gays and non-Reagan-approved "conservatives" are destroying America.

HowObamaGotElected.com: who believe that the Evil Liberal Media who destroyed Sarah Palin and brainwashed America into voting for Obama are destroying America.

HSP Direct LLC: who believe that bad wingnut PR is destroying America.

Human Events: who believe that ideas that haven't passed through the colons of ""Robert Novak, Michelle Malkin, L. Brent Bozell, Terence Jeffrey, Bruce Bartlett, Thomas Sowell, David Limbaugh, Oliver North, Pat Buchanan, Ann Coulter, etc." are destroying America.

Intercollegiate Studies Institute: who very probably would believe that people who point out that a site that's a tossed salad of commentary and books about "traditional values", liberal "tyranny", Conservative though, and the wit and wisdom of Robert Bork is hardly "non-partisan" are destroying America.

Intermarkets, Inc.: who believe that bad wingnut PR is destroying America.

Islamic Free Market Institute Foundation: who believe that taxes and regulations are destroying America.

Jim Worthing Productions: who believe that bad musical production values are destroying America.

John M. Ashbrook Center for Public Affairs : who believe that all the usual suspects are destroying America.

Judicial Watch: would probably believe that people who point out that a site with a "Most Wanted Corrupt Politicians" for 2008 list that includes
  1. Barack Obama for his "alliance with the sleazy ACORN operation's 'voter registration;" and 'get out the vote' efforts" and his "corrupt dealings with convicted felon Tony Rezko and unrepentant terrorist William Ayers"
  2. Hillary Clinton for, among other things, "paid sleepovers in the Lincoln Bedroom, cattle futures fraud, and stealing White House furniture"
  3. Some unwhitewashably-convicted Republican criminals like Ted Stevens thrown in for "balance"
but cannot seem to find the time or column inches to include war criminal, traitors and terrorists like George Bush and Dick Cheney really shouldn't be calling themselves "non-partisan" are destroying America.

Legacy List Marketing: who believe that out-of-date GOP mailing lists are destroying America.

Let Freedom Ring: Watch their ad
and then take a wild fucking guess at what they think is destroying America.

Libertarian Party: who believe that not letting wingnuts smoke pot is destroying America.

Liberty University School of Law: Hmmm. Jerry Falwell's Holy Fundy Law School? Let's take a moment and try to guess where it will come down on every single fucking thing.

Manhattan Institute for Policy Research: who very likely believe that people who point out that "Conservative think tank" is semantically equal to "Lemming 10K Cliff's Edge Fun Run to find a Cure for Death by Deceleration Trauma" are destroying America.

Media Research Center: who believe that the Sekrit Liberal Media Cabal are destroying America.

National Rifle Association: who believe that any opposition to a person's right to keep and bear ballistic missiles just like the Founders intended is destroying America.

National Right to Work: who believe that any attempt to organize working people out of debt peonage is destroying America.

National Taxpayers Union: who believe that any attempt to tax the beneficiaries of work class debt peonage is destroying America.

New York State Conservative Party: who believe that poor people, liberals and so forth are destroying America.

Pajamas Media/TV: who believe that those who mock the omniscient genius of Joe-the-Plumber/War Correspondent/Economic Analyst are destroying America.

PM Direct Marketing: who believe that anyone threatening to raise the price of wingnut junk mail is destroying America.

Politics Magazine: who believe that people who don’t get that politics is just a fucking business -- like farming, or plastics -- are destroying America.

Radio America: I don't know exactly who Radio America thinks is destroying America, but I'm guessing that any outfit which gives six hours of air time smack in the middle of every weekday to a stone sociopath like G. Gordon Liddy would have a list of America destroyers that wouldn't be too hard to figure out.

RegularFolksUnited.com: who believe that "elitists (yes, they are on both sides of the aisle) pretending they were doing things to help 'regular folks'" (while drooling over all thing Reagan and pumping out post after post about the Evil Left) are destroying America.

Save Our Secret Ballot: who believe that organized labor is destroying America.

Shirley & Banister Public Affairs: who believe that bad wingnut PR is destroying America.

Strategic Campaign Group: who believe that poor "Republican Campaign Consulting Management" are destroying America.

Susan B. Anthony List/Team Sarah: who believe that unregulated vaginae are destroying America.

Terra Eclipse: who believe that misaligned synergisms in the paradigm-shifting topography. Of new media. Platforms. Or something. Are destroying America.

The Heartland Institute: who believe that anti-tobacco and global warming kooks are destroying America.

The Heritage Foundation: who believe that The Left and all the lefty things we do are destroying America.

The Leadership Institute: who believe that a shortage of conservative leaders who understand the misaligned synergisms in the paradigm-shifting topography. Of new media. Platforms. Or something. Are destroying America.

The Poker Players Alliance: believes that regulations on internet gambling are destroying America.

The Republican Majority is a password-protected site. Hehehe. Big tent my ass.

The Washington Examiner: believes that those wacky liberals are destroying America.

The Washington Times: believes that the infidels who do not yet recognize the Most Reverend Sun Myung Moon's godhead are destroying America.

Townhall.com: believes that those who will not take advantage of their fabulous of one FREE copy of Ann Coulter's latest steaming slop bucket of bile and viper-head soup for every 12-month subscription to Townhall Magazine are destroying America.

Tradition, Family, Property: believes that the failing and "discredited" Theory of Evolution, Teh Gay and those damned unregulated vaginae are destroying America.

TV Watch: who believe that swill on the tube are destroying America.

Vernon K. Krieble Foundation: who believe that people who refuse to let the Free Market run buck wild are destroying America.

Victory Solutions LLC (whose website is currently and unironically down) believes that barriers to technologically-empowered the Right are destroying America.

Young America's Foundation: who believe that frivolous youth who are not "preserving and protecting Ronald Reagan’s Western White House—Rancho del Cielo—and using this historic presidential property and our newly renovated Reagan Ranch Center in downtown Santa Barbara, California, to pass on to future generations the ideas and lasting accomplishments of this great American President" are destroying America.

Young Americans for Freedom: who believe that Evil Gummint things are destroying America.

Youth For Western Civilization: who believe that Godless liberal multiculturalists who want defile to flower of our Southron Womanhood are destroying America.

And so, like any other catastrophically failed business being run by inflexible, third-generation, inherited-wealth-rich/brain-poor imbeciles, the GOP is absolutely incapable of coping with the fact that it’s core product is now less popular than road-kill-on-a-stick in the marketplace of ideas.

Because baby, to everyone Left of Genghis Khan, the headlong-into-the-abyss direction Party of God has been monstrous obvious for years now (from the late Steve Gilliard in 2005):

A note to our conservative friends:

WE TOLD YOU SO

Ever wonder why New Yorkers detest George Bush?

Because we experienced his incompetence up close and person. We knew this guy was full of shit, absolutely full of fucking shit, after they started to play games with the funding and gave Wyoming terrorism money. We knew he was an assclown then.

We thought DC 9/11 was a comedy, because the Bush we saw hid in AF One like the scared bitch that he is.

But did you listen?

Fuck no. Until last week, Ann Coulter was calling New Yorkers cowards for not endorsing Bush's folly in Iraq.

We have been screaming for two years that Bush and his team sucked. That they had no clue. They sent soldiers to be wounded in Iraq without armored anything. And you idiots cheered him on from the safety of your keyboards. We told you he was fucking up Iraq. But no, we supported Saddam, we were racist, we blamed America.

You say this isn't about politics? Fuck you, this IS politics, real time, real life politics, where the insanity of all your ideas are exposed to the world for the fraud that they are. Tax cuts kill. Ask the relatives of the dead of the Gulf Coast.

Well, motherfuckers, the alligators are feasting on dead nigger and there isn't an Iraqi in sight. And Bush is trying to gladhand his way through a mess which has stunned FOX reporters. I mean, Shepard Smith is calling Fox's talking heads liars ON THE AIR.

CNN rips Bush in print and online after nearly five years of sleep.

Instead of hearing what we had to say about Bush, you called John Kerry a coward, mocked Max Cleland, blamed everything but herpes on Bill Clinton. You enabled Bush into this mess and now you're shocked?
...

Instead of growing, learning or adapting, the same moral flatliners at the helm of the GOP have been staring at this arc of catastrophe year after year and using their media and money to hammer home the same mantra over and over again:
This. Can. Not. Be. True.

Like Big Finance and Big Auto, the Party of God has fallen.

And fallen.

And fallen.

Have fallen from Pepsi to Diet Shasta


to Sam’s Choice Mountain Lightning.

To a boutique/nostalgia political-market loser that no one but double-wide dwelling Confederate States of America Re-enactors will swill.

So, like every other flailing, trust fund wannabe-J.P. Morgan with too much dough and not enough sense, the GOP is now doubling-down on its worst ideas

‘cause that’s the way Daddy built the franchise!

Ignoring the fact that They Are The Fucking Problem, the brain-wizards on the Right – cursed with far too much power and not a lick of common sense – continue to fall like Lucifer, screaming louder and louder on the way down that it was all the fault of the fucking unions. Or taxes.

Or foreigners.

Or liberals.

Or wild vaginae.

Or gays.

Or atheists.

Or Darwin.

Among all the earnest mole rats that pay to put on this farce -- among all their pathetic sites encrusted with screaming eagles, garish flags, glowing crosses and Reagan-on-black-velvet paeans to the delusions of their youth -- you'll not find a single idea that hasn’t been as dead as disco for 20 years.

Not a single bogey man that wasn’t already long in the tooth back when drunken fiasco Joe McCarthy was using them to terrorize a different generation of Americans into giving up their freedoms.

And so, like every other gold-plated imbecile CEO, since the problem can’t possibly be as simple as your product sucks ass and kills people, it must be...marketing.

Which means we have reached that Exciting Moment in their death-spiral where the Party of God cries out for Madison Avenue to save them from oblivion and from being forced to face their own dead hearts and crippled souls, and they start drawing high-priced, jiggly-vocabularied consultants and marketing parasites

like a dead coyotes draws flies.

UPDATE: Welcome C&L visitors.

14 comments:

Rehctaw said...

While I'm sure you missed a few of the upright brigade's offspring, off-shoots and pretentious blowhole clubs, the spectrum of SIGs forming a noose around life, liberty and our odds of survival is a bi-partisan effort.

That some might be less wrong than others is hardly encouraging.

Cohorts arrayed against one another in equal numbers consuming precious oxygen, evolving, growing, infecting, protecting, metastasizing and elevating petty nitpicks into deal breakers is a fucked up model.

The creeping of missions is creeping me the fuck out!

Anonymous said...

That is a frightening list of supporters. Does anyone ever find it odd tht the left is called horrible names if we stand up to these types, yet they seem to have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about labeling everyone they dislike in the most detestable terms?

Woody said...

Hey, dead cats draw flies, too.

And there are a LOT more of 'em.

I mean, when did you last see a dead coyote?

Give us a break!

--signed:

The Coyotes

Anonymous said...

"Conservative think tank" is semantically equal to "Lemming 10K Cliff's Edge Fun Run to find a Cure for Death by Deceleration Trauma"

Nice :-)

Anonymous said...

I think this is a fine list of sponsors and should be a grand ole time.

I really thought you were SO original by the exact same "funny" way you described each group. Way to have an original thought. Loser.

Blue Gal said...

Welcome to the best individual blogger in the world, Pammy at 11:50!

She's so pissed that (a) you didn't mention her in this post and (b) that you know the plural of vagina without inviting her to the threesome.

Awesome job, my friend.

Angel Of Mercy said...

Mr. Glass, it's epic, obstreperous, fall-down funny rants like this one that keep me coming back here to stand in open-mouthed awe. (Nice hat-tip to Big Steve Gillard, too; The Man Who Knew All Things.)

You're only getting better...

Batocchio said...

Epic. It's nice to see the so-called party of responsibility is finding the right people to blame. And they're still preaching the bullshit that Reagan's policies were good for the country.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

Great post, holmes! And thanks for the Gilliard lagniappe!

One quibble: I suspect that AT&T likes the iPhone, as it has forced a fuckton of people to switch their contracts to AT&T in order to be able to display their fucking yuptoy.

Anonymous said...

Sounds more like a lot of dyspeptic vituperation rather than any honest attempt to consider facts, understand another's viewpoint, or seriously engage important issues.

Blue Gal said...

Sounds more like a lot of dyspeptic vituperation rather than any honest attempt to consider facts, understand another's viewpoint, or seriously engage important issues.

Yeah Pammy Atlas always sounds like that. Sorry I sent you there, Anonymous at 7:29. It's the zany Zionist thing, plus she got an extra couple botox shots by "accident" last April. Even John Bolton noticed a change in her, and none of us here in Left Blogsylvania have any hope that she'll ever recover. That is, we hope not.

I can understand why you might want to be Anonymous too, given that if you actually had a blog, most of your hitcounter would be people coming by to see if they can find a quick and dirty "ridicule the wackaloon" post. Just ask Pammy.

Oh, maybe you were talking about the REAGAN video. I know, that was really fucked up, too. But still, not as much as Pammy.

PS I heard rumors around the Commie water cooler that Bobby Jindal sees Pammy's Botox doctor. That would explain a lot.

prof fate said...

Shorter anonymous:

Just because we fucked up everything we could lay our sticky little paws on, and smothered any voice that dared find fault with our epic spree of gleeful larceny and lethal incompetence beneath an avalanche of character assassination and shrieks of "Islamofascism!", and generally behaved like lying, arrogant assholes ...

Well, that doesn't mean you have to get all huffy about it!

Gay Veteran said...

seriously, where's a guillotine when you need one?

These clowns are a cancer eating the Republic alive.

sophie said...

Great list, Drifty. A few years ago I had a little scuffle with the editor of "Inhuman" events, after my wingnut brother subscribed me to their list. The poor nitwit didn't like it that I wanted to unsubscribe!

I would like all the "Anon's" to stand up and identify themselves. Asshat, etc. will work fine.