Thursday, August 04, 2005

And in All White Chick All the Time News…



…roving packs of wild hussies spotted prowling local golf course.

Should be considered blond and extremely saucy.

Film at 11:00.
And 12:00.
And 2:00.
And then again at 2:30.

WGN has finally given up any pretense of newsgathering and gone soft-core, but with a nice undercoating of faux Righteous Outrage to make it go down smooth. In fact it sounded a little like this – the most famous public stripper incident in history – as it was caught on tape, live, from the Lakehurst Naval Air Station on May 6th, 1937

“...their tits are practically standing still now. They've dropped their sassy skirts onto the seat of the golf cart, and they are taken a hold of down on the field by a number of men. It's starting to rain again; the rain had slacked up a little bit. The backsides of the ladies are just holding it, just enough to keep it from --"

"They have burst into lap dances! ... It's pole-dancing and it's naughty! It's naughty terrible! Oh, my! Get out of the way, please! They are, lap dancing, coming out of their bras and are spinning lewdly on the brass pole, and all the folks agree that this is terrible, this is one of the worst catastrophes in the world, oh the shapely gams are kicking, oh, four or five feet into the sky! There's smoke, and there's “funny, big-pants feeling” down there in the naught areas, now, and the feather boa is crashing to the ground, not quite to the stripper pole...Oh, the humanity, and all the men screaming around here!”

This from the ChiTrib
Residents protest golf gone wild
By James Kimberly
Tribune staff reporter

August 4, 2005

A recent gentleman's club outing in which scantily clad women performed provocatively for male golfers on a Naperville course has embarrassed the town's mayor and prompted a criminal investigation.

Naperville police said Wednesday they have reviewed a videotape recorded by a woman who lives near the Country Lakes Golf Club on the city's north side but found no evidence that crimes were committed. The golf event was sponsored by Blackjack's Gentleman's Club in South Elgin.

"We are doing whatever it takes to get a copy of this tape," Truemper said.

Naperville has an ordinance prohibiting public nudity and indecent exposure, but it is not a crime to wear string bikinis or short skirts on a golf course, police said.

Naperville Mayor George Pradel said he was embarrassed by the extensive television coverage of the golf outing. Money magazine last month rated Naperville as the third-best place to live in the country, the mayor noted.

"My heart is broken because this is a family city and I wouldn't want anything to disrupt that," Pradel said. "I'm a cheerleader for Naperville. This takes a little of the air out of my balloon."

Teacher Cathy Jaeger, who lives in a townhouse near the 16th fairway, shot the video that was broadcast by local television stations and reviewed by police.

Jaeger said she could see the women through the patio door in her living room. She said she called the golf course to complain and then called the Naperville police.

None of the officers witnessed anything that would be grounds for arrest, Truemper said.
Strippers!

Well I never!

OK, that’s not true. I haven’t not ever…but thank Jebus anyway that citizen-hero and local uptalking Gladys Kravitz – Cathy Jaeger – braved mosquitoes whizzing by her head (or at least smacking into her patio door) and hair-frizzing humidity that might have daunted a lesser busybody to smuggle out of the Naughty Bad Zone actual videotape of the horrible, horrible women who were teasing men in ugly pants while they spent their day knocking a little ball around a big green field.

That we as a nation have come to this!

Where even the country's private golf courses -- where the nation’s most pointless, privileged and ridiculously acreage-intensive sport is played – are no longer safe from Hollywood Elite something-something Culture War something Lascivious, Faith-unfriendly something Nudie Chicks threatening the Humors and Precious Bodily Fluids of America’s bank vice presidents and real estate moguls.

And, of course, what about the children!

And thank Jebus double-time that WGN bravely showed the frottage footage, and tsked and eye-rolled and shook their fat collective WGN heads in shame.

Not since seeing “Guernica” on a field trip to the Art Institute when I was a wee lad have I been so horrified and moved. I smell Pulitzer. Or at least one of the coveted AVN Awards (The “Willie” which, if it isn’t called that, it should be). Take that laurels-hog Jenna Jameson!

Local cops promised they would “keep reviewing” the tape, presumably until the video wore out, or their “nightstick” hand cramped up.

And as the article takes pains to point out (near the end), “None of the officers witnessed anything that would be grounds for arrest.”

This is, hands-down, the non-storiest story I have seen in weeks. No crime. No suspicion of a crime. Just some jiggly footage of a few strippers that the morally bereft local news monkeys wedged onto teevee by following it with windy moralizing and dopey speculation.

Still, it is a good day when I get to read the mayor of Naperville say, “This takes a little of the air out of my balloon," in reference to a story about scantily-clad women.

And it is a VERY good day when I get to hear ace WGN pie-faced newspuppet Juan Carlos Fanjul (pronounced "Fanjul!" ) say – with all the sadness that Herbert Morrison mustered when reporting the destruction of the Hindenberg -- “…trying to putt on the 16th hole with some woman’s business right in front of his face.”

Oh no! Not her business.

In other, actual news, the flag-draped coffins of men and women who have died because of the lies and treason of the Bush Administration still cannot be photographed or shown on teevee.

No film at 11:00.

67 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awful, absolutely awful. Scandalous even. Think of it, bikinis! Weren't those outlawed after 9/11 changed everything? What were these men thinking? We can't have women going around with their "business" showing. Who would have suspected such behavior from an organization as respectable as a "gentleman's club"? By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a number for said gentleman's club, now would you? Any idea what the dues are? Is there a chapter near me?

Anonymous said...

The ultra-phallic character of golf clubs -- I knew it would come to this, uh sorry, reach this depraved point.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure my cable gets WGN (not sure why). Now I get bikinis AND the White Sox? Hallelujah!

-Marek

Civic Center said...

Almost all golf courses have a list of rules and regulations on signage near the first tee, and they vary from course to course about out-of-bounds areas and whether or not metal spiked shoes are allowed and so on. At the municipal golf course in San Francisco, Lincoln Park, where Johnny Miller learned to play, one of the rules is "No high heel shoes allowed on the course."

I've never seen that particular injunction on any other golf course, so after questioning a few people at the tiny bar in the clubhouse, it was revealed that San Franciscans had a long tradition of holding bachelor parties on the course and bringing along strippers/hookers. But their high-heeled shoes were destroying the already crappy greens.

By the way, we have a horrible City Supervisor, Michaela Piers-Alioto, who has managed to pass legislation that nobody can smoke cigarettes outside in public on city land EXCEPT for golf courses. What an absurd world we live in.

Anonymous said...

Step 1: Obtain film of scantily-clad women on golf course.

Step 2: Present said film on local teevee, interspersed with numerous promos along the lines of "you WON'T BELIEVE what scantily clad women were doing on THIS local golf course!!"

Step 3: Observe rise in, err, ratings.

Step 4:---????---PROFIT!!!

--Captain Goto

Anonymous said...

Probably the oddest single facet of life in contemporary Merka is the genial alliance between the Jeebocrats and the corporatists.

There is a big part of the GOP base which, "family values" aside, is firmly (pardon me) committed to the values embodied by tawdry "gentlemens' clubs" and porn ranging from XXXX down to the corporate softcore of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

I don't hang out in gentlemens' clubs for any of several reasons*, but prudish morality is certainly not one of those reasons. Nor is deference to political allies -- it's not my party which is daily kissing up to Dobson and Falwell and Robertson.

It really does appear that it would be possible to drive some deep cracks in between the Biblical fundamentalists and the no-taxes, no-regulations bidness community with a few well-placed strikes.

It's rare for me to agree with religious-Reich policy suggestions, but I have heard recently some grassroots complaint emanating from that vector.

One fundie blog commentor said that he thought it was disgraceful that S&P 500 firms like Marriott are up to their elbows in porn money (that in-room pay-per-view adult fare being a big profit center for the corporate hospitality industry).

Agreed! Let's take them up on it, and raise.

Call it the Pornography-Affiliated Corporate Disclosure Act of 2005. Force any publicly traded company which spends its funds on adult entertainment for its executives, or which distributes or allows to be distributed any form of adult materials, to include a prominent and harshly worded warning disclaimer in all of its corporate communications and advertisements.

The resulting squirming, wriggling, backing and filling would be pure bliss to behold.

(* On that topic of "gentlemens' clubs": having seen the overaged-dumb-teenager behavior of the typical habitue of such establishments, if this be gentlemanly deportment, count me a rogue. Moreover, I am in full agreement with an old friend of mine, who, upon being invited to such a club, said, "Great! Afterward, I hope you'll take me to an excellent restaurant where they'll wave plates of delicious food under my nose but won't let me eat a bite.")

Perdita said...

I love it.

"...Naperville Mayor George Pradel said he was embarrassed by the extensive television coverage of the golf outing.. and the fact that as a public figure he wasn't in the fix enough to be invited to the event.

Deputy Daley was over heard consoling the Mayor saying said "it was really tame, you didn't miss anything"

Mister Roboto said...

I think the reason that so many heterosexual men are offended at the idea of a gay guy finding them attractive is because they interpret that as disrespect. And this, in turn, comes from the fact that far too many men regard the women to whom they are sexually attracted as someone way less equal to themselves. I don't regard the men to whom I find myself attracted that way at all, ever. I wish this sort of man could understand that, but men who think in this atavistic manner by their very nature simply do not think and do not question their foundational assumptions at all, ever. It's really quite frustrating.

Anonymous said...

Now, Drift, as a resident of Myrtle Beach, where we have a hundred-plus golf courses (and, of course, a correspondingly-diminishing number of trees and beautiful low-country hardwood swamps) let me ask you to NOT underestimate the value of a nice mammary display, to help the middle-aged tourists and realtors, etc., keep that 9-iron backswing, STIFF and accurate.

Down here, you can just about throw a rock and hit a titty bar.

I don't know what the Naperville woman was thinking about, when she filmed all that jiggling and lap-dancing.

That's just what makes america great! I mean, can you imagine that kind of thing going on in the stultifying culture of, say...IRAQ?

Nossir, those poor people don't know what "freedom" IS!

(But if we can just kill a few more of them, I'd bet Tiger Woods' Buick endorsement fees that pretty soon, we'll by-God SHOW them what it is.)

Anonymous said...

L&L--Relating to your comment, also, many a straight man treats women like dirt, and so fears that a man who fancies other men might treat him the way he treats women.

Straight but not narrow, Monster from the Id

jurassicpork said...

...and not ONE mention of that freaky groundskeeper provocatively moving his arms at the ball washer while watching these scantily-clad women while makiing us momentarily think that he's in the last throes of autoeroticism??? What is WITH the MSM?

Seriously, did you know that even senior Senators from Delaware aren't allowed at Dover AFB when the coffins come streaming off the assembly line? Biden can't even comfort the families. Funny thing is, he didn't know about this about just a couple of months ago.

It's obvious to everyone that truth to Republicans is what sunlight is to vampires, silver to werewolves. Is it possible to hate these furtive, secretive, belligerent cocksuckers more with each day and not die of a coronary? even my own wife and college-aged kid is tired of hearing me rant against the GOP.

My wife, she doesn't understand me.

Anonymous said...

et tu, brutus...

driftglass said...

However Chelveston the Duck would have LOVED watching the ladies shake their moneymakers.

Anonymous said...

Making a putt is difficult enough. If a stripper was shaking her stuff while I was trying to putt, I'd ask her to get out of the damn way.

Anonymous said...

This reporting is worthy of a Polk award at a minimum.

Anonymous said...

So is Naperville now America's second best place to live?

Anonymous said...

Pradel & GWB suck John "I Refuse To Send My Firemen To New Orleans ASSHOLE FATASS" Geils', Pate "Analboy" Philip's, Joe "OJ" Birkett's, Jesse Jackson Jr's, Gary Skoien's, Anthony Peraica's, Dan Proft's, His ANOYMONOUS SCHWANZ GOP FLAMER COMMITTEMAN from Schaumburg, etc dicks, And Pradel is a Gordon Shadburne-Ed Schrock-Mark.A.Grethen-G.Harold Carswell-Matthew Glavin-Style GOP'er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

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